Saturday, November 6, 2010

To My Mom

I hope that by expressing myself about past hurts and pain that I haven't hurt you in any way. I want you to know that I love you dearly. The thing I am learning is that everyone has their own personal struggles and things they are working through. Isn't that what life is all about? We are here to learn and grow from them and it is our trials that bring us closer to the Lord. I have learned to ask myself "what am I supposed to learn from this?" Not "why did this happen to me?" I am thankful for every trial I have been through. It has formed me into who I am today. I have often thought that if it weren't for the dark times, we wouldn't be able to appreciate the Light. The Light shines that much brighter when we come out of the dark and we turn to the Light that much more.
Please don't beat yourself up for things you did or didn't do. The beauty of the Gospel is that we have our free agency to chose if we will be happy or miserable. The more we trust in the Lord, the easier it is to be happy. He also bore our pain and our sorrows and knows exactly what we are going through. If we feel the inner yearnings to change, he will help us and is just waiting for us to ask for his help!
I have been thinking about all of the beautiful things you have brought into my life. First and foremost, you had me at a time when you were coming back to the church. That has been the biggest blessing of all in my life. I can't even imagine where I would be if you hadn't had the courage to make that change and come back. You also had the courage to get out of some bad marriages and you found Dad. It was painful to feel cast aside by fathers who were supposed to love me and take care of me, but I know it was for the best. I am grateful every day of my life that I have Richard as my father. You brought music into my life. You used to sing me songs all the time. I didn't make it easy for you with requests like "Handel's Messiah, the Hallelujah Chorus". LOL Music has been another huge blessing in my life. You also taught me how to be a hard worker and how to clean those corners! :0) Through the years you have provided me with many self help books in an effort to help me, and I love that about you! I am definitely a better person because you have been my mother. You are such a beautiful angel to me. I hope you know that and never doubt it! I'm sure my kids will have lots of issues with how I raised them, but we are doing the best we can, aren't we. :0) And Heavenly Father will be there to help them work through the things that I was lacking in. And so it goes....
I don't want you to think I blame you or harbor any anger towards you in any way. Through the atonement, we are healed and our very natures are changed. It is so blessedly WONDERFUL! Don't worry about Alan. If Heavenly Father has been so mindful of us and our needs, I know that he has done the same for Alan. He will be okay.
I just didn't want anyone to think that I have been whining and feeling sorry for myself. I feel abundantly blessed and I am full of Joy. The people I have been blessed with to be my friends are so amazing. Words cannot express how much love you have brought into my life at a very dark time, when I needed it the most. Family has been another great blessing, even family I have never met or don't know very well. I have come to realize that the relationships we form in this life are what sustain us and the things we will treasure once we are called home.
Man, I am such a sap! But I needed to express my gratitude, even for this trial because through it I have been set free from chains I had forged. I am now ready to move on and soar. Break free from your chains and lay them at the Savior's feet.
I love you, Mommy. I hope you know it and now everyone who reads this blog will know it, too :0)

No comments: