Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Letting Go

I have always loved this picture of Alan and I. I have been thinking back to the morning I found out that Alan had been killed. I just need to share and acknowledge an amazing miracle that happened that morning. The Sherriff that came by to tell us didn't even know that Alan lived here. Out of everything he had in his car, nothing told the cops who to contact or where he lived except one thing. They found some dog tags with our address on it. That address is all they had to go on because he didn't have his drivers license. They found us, not knowing what they were going to find, and we were able to tell them he lived here and who he was. I have been thinking about those dog tags. Alan had only lived here for a little less than three months and as far as I knew, he wasn't planning on living here forever. So why did he have the dog tags made up with our address on them? Out of everything that was in his car and all the things that had been scattered out on the road, how did they find these dog tags? Where and when did he have them made? And most interesting, where are they now? The Sherriff didn't give them to us. We did get a set of dog tags from when he was in the Army back when he graduated HS, but of course our address wasn't on them. So how? I know that it was Heavenly Father's way of letting us know what had happened so that we didn't worry and have to put out a missing person's report or wonder where he was. It was a huge blessing and a miracle. I hope that when we pass to the other side, we will be able to see our life with the veil drawn back that will allow us to see how much divine intervention was put forth on our behalf. I think we will be shocked to see how many times we were saved or protected or strengthened.

Alan left quite a wake of unfinished business for us to deal with. Law suits, credit collectors, an amazing amount of debt and his cat. :0) I have thought about what my choices are in dealing with all of this. And I have just decided to let it all go. I could waste time and energy on dealing with the things that were important in his life, but in the grand eternal scheme of things, none of it really matters. So we will inform the credit agencies that they are never going to get their money, but I am not going to fight his lawsuit battle for him. I'm not going to find his cat that somehow escaped while we were gone. I'm not going to worry about how the accident happened and if there was foul play. God will sort that out in his own due time. None of it will bring him back. At first I felt like a bad sister. But then I realized that it would just bring me anger and turmoil and not peace and forgiveness. My time and energy is better spent on taking care of my children and my amazing husband.

Yesterday, I was pondering about why Heavenly Father brought Alan into my life when I was going through the toughest emotional ordeal and the lowest point in my life. I was lower than dust and didn't even know who I was. I couldn't eat and had little to no energy. This is when Alan stepped into my world. I hope that someday I will be able to see why the timing was necessary for him. I know how it was necessary for me. I was down in the pantry, getting crackers, and I said out loud, "I'm so sorry that I was not able to reach out to you like I wanted to because I was such a mess," and the most amazing thing happened. I felt his arms surround me and give me a big hug, I felt the most amazing love wash over me, and I heard the words, "It is okay." I started crying. Now you, the reader, can question my sanity at this point or say that maybe I just wanted it so badly that I thought that is what I felt, but I know that I have never felt anything like that before or so strongly that it moved me so deeply. Even if it wasn't "real", it felt wonderful and brought me comfort and so I am thankful for that experience. It is what allowed me to finally let go and say good-bye. I will still miss him, I will still cry when something reminds me of him, but I am now ready to move on.

Thank you for sharing this journey with me. I hope that it touched some of you and let you know that you aren't alone in some of your thoughts and feelings. I hope it allowed you to see the day to day miracles that happen in our lives.
I will now get back to regularly scheduled programming, or in other words, the mundane happenings called Life.


Brenda said...

This was beautiful. You are such an inspiration. Just reading your blog recently has helped me see what really matters in my life. For that I thank you.

Ashley said...

You are really inspiring. It's so hard some times, but how relieving it is to just "let things go". You really are such a strong person. I hope you see that.

Mike and LuAnn (Nelson) Aldred said...

I believe it can happen and I am sure it did. They have a way of reaching us when we need them. You are worthy of that feeling. I think blogs are like journals and we can print them and they are our way of saving memories and we can look back on them and remember those things that helped us grow.

Jaren said...

Kris I could tell you stories somilar to what you experienced in the pantry. just remember that it was real and such things can and do happen. it will one of the positive things to come out of this whole experience and will be a source of strength to you in years to come.

Verdella said...

Kris, I am so glad you are doing what you want to with your life. I am in awe of your courage and your faith. I love you.