Tuesday, November 16, 2010

A little Secret

I wanted to thank all of you who have sent me kind messages about my blogging therapy. :0) I have a little secret to share with you. It terrifies me to put myself out there like that. If you only knew how much I "hem" and "haw" over whether or not I should say something or not. I'm worried I will upset someone or you will think I'm crazy. Over the last couple of months I have been changing into a different person. I realized that I have been shutting people out of my life and not sharing my deeper self with anyone because I was afraid that once someone knew the "real" me, they would not love me anymore. I thought I was such a terrible person that no one could love me. I have come to realize that that is not true. It was a real "duh" moment for me. Sad, huh? I'm 34 years old and still feel like a little child inside, scared, afraid, cowering in a corner. But when I realized what I was doing and that it wasn't the best way to go about life, I decided then and there to change. I am reaching out to people. It still scares me to death, but the kind words from you have given me strength to keep at it.

It is easier doing it through blogging because I don't know how it affects people and I can't see your face. I am trying to work my way up to doing it more in person. This is very daunting for me. I can't even tell you the emotional turmoil it causes. My natural instinct is to hole up in my house and not talk to anyone. I wish I could just raise my kids and never interact with a single soul. I have to fight this instinct every day of my life. And I do. I attend my book club, I go play volleyball, I go to church, I sing in front of people, I tell people how much they mean to me, all of it scaring me to the point that sometimes my hands and knees shake. I probably have some sort of anxiety disorder, but I am fighting it. People are usually shocked to hear that I have to struggle with this every day because I seem like such a confident person. It just reminds me that I can never judge anyone by their outside appearance. If I struggle with this and no one knows, I often wonder about what others are going through that I just don't know. I feel compassion for everyone I meet and try to get to know their story and who they really are. I try to help them feel that I love them for who they are and that they never need to put on a show with me. It kind of makes me hypocritical because I am scared to show who I really am. But I am working on it.

I realize that we train people how to treat us and I have trained everyone around me to keep their distance. How do I undo that? I have had to really step outside of my comfort zone and make an effort to let people know that I am ready to let them in. It will probably take some time. There are some that have already welcomed me with open arms like they have just been waiting for me. The Savior has been one of those people. He has just been waiting for me to come to Him and let Him heal me from all of my baggage. It opened my eyes to what the scriptures Matthew 11:28-30 are telling us.

"Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

So that is what I am doing. I take all of my uneasiness and anxiety and I lay it at the Lord's feet, I ask Him what he would have me do and He whispers it to me through the Holy Ghost, then I do it. No questions asked. I take up His yoke and it is easier and lighter because I know that if I am doing what the Savior wants me to do, it must be right and that brings me peace, or rest. I know that no matter what happens, it will be for my good. It isn't as easy as it sounds, my natural self still fights it sometimes, but I am gaining more faith and I just need more practice until it becomes natural to me. I hope all of you will bear with me as I strive to grow. My goal in this life is to be more understanding of people and the personal struggles they are facing and to help lift them when I can. I am grateful for those that have done this for me.
Thank you for letting me share with you.


ilze said...

Again i am blown away by your words....how i yearn to have the peace that you have :(

Adrienne said...

Reading your last few posts helps those of us on the outside of this be reminded of the important things in life. I think I'm a little like you in that I look strong on the outside but often don't share the "true feelings of my heart" because they might be misunderstood. Thank you for sharing.
Interesting about the "dog tags"

Marisa said...

Kris, I have loved reading every single one of your posts ... especially this last one, knowing that I am a little bit like you. But, I haven't had the strength to step out yet. Knowing that you struggle with this and that you are overcoming it, gives me hope and determination to do so myself. Thank you for sharing your soul with us all.

Ashley said...

We all have our insecurities, right? I guess that's one of the reasons we are told not to judge others- like you said, you never can tell what trials or insecurities someone else is dealing with. I think it's awesome that you are working so hard to overcome yours. It's so easy (for me, anyway) to just sit and "accept" (for lack of a better word) your weaknesses and move on with life, but that's not what we're here for. What is that scripture? He will make weak things strong unto us? Something for me to work on. You are inspiring :0)