A good memory

This was a very good day. It was shortly after Alan had moved here. The Websters were having a BBQ at their house. They are a couple in my ward and their BBQ's are World famous. :0) I had invited Alan even though I was afraid he would say no because it would have a lot of LDS people there and the missionaries. He came, though. Sister Webster came right up to him and gave him a big hug. That meant a lot to me, that she was so welcoming and loving to him just because he was my brother. Alan and I hung out the entire time. We played ping pong and then went outside and played some other games. It was like we were kids again and all the arguing and bad memories of our childhood were gone. We didn't talk very much, but we didn't have to. We were just content to spend time with each other. At the end, we found Alan taking pictures in the Webster's yard. This was one of the pictures he took. Isn't it gorgeous? I think I will print it and hang it on my wall.

Today is a very hard day for me. I feel so unsettled somehow. I don't want to talk to anyone. I am feeling very anti-social for some reason. I did get up this morning and got the kids off to school with a family prayer. I cleaned the house and then I just sat and played the piano and sang uplifting songs, but I still feel very uneasy. I know it will take time, but I don't want to waste anymore time. The last couple of months I have been changing and becoming a new person. I am anxious to move on with my life and use my new found skills and become what Heavenly Father wants me to be. I guess I am just very impatient. You would think that I would have tons of patience, what with having 9 kids and all. Maybe that is why God sent me so many kids, to teach me patience. Please don't send anymore! I Promise I will learn from the ones you have given me....

Sorry, a little inner dialogue there.

Going to go cry in the shower now.

AFTER SHOWER:

Kids have a funny way of bringing you back to reality more abruptly than you would like sometimes. I'm having a rough day and Ty decides it would be a good idea to dump BBQ sauce all over my carpet. I clean that up as best I can. Then Parker says Ty spilled shampoo all over the carpet. He tried to clean it up but it was pretty soapy. I grab the carpet steamer and suck up all the soapy, bubbly goodness that smells like strawberry shampoo. I have 15 minutes to get the kids lunch and get Parker to school. While I'm finishing cleaning, Ty grabs the potato pearls and dumps them in a nice little pile on my carpet. Okay, clean it up and now I have 5 minutes to make lunch! I quickly get them food and take the carpet cleaner over to the BBQ mess. Might as well get it really clean while I have it out. Quickly clean , throw the rest of the kids' lunch in a ziploc baggie, throw the kids in the van and away we go! No time to pout and feel sorry for myself. On the way home, I thought it would be a good idea to check out the accident site. I will have to pass it everyday, twice a day for the rest of my life, probably. So I wanted to see. Not the best idea I've had, but I found Al's pen, so that proves that it was the spot. I also found other things that I will have to burn from my mind. Something about the accident is eating at me. I want to get the accident report. I need to know what their conclusions are about how it happened. Maybe it is just my mind trying to find closure, but I have just been restless all day. Hopefully once I know, I can put it to rest.

One thing we are doing is grief therapy with the kids. We decided to write Alan some good-bye letters and then shred them and dig a hole. We are going to put the letters in the hole and plant a tree in it. That way we will always have something beautiful to help us remember the good things about Alan. I want to plant a weeping willow that will eventually get big and provide us with a nice shady spot to sit under. Is that cheesy? Oh, well. I'm finding I am very sentimental.