Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I Am Needy

Most people when they think of someone being needy tie a negative connotation to it. I had someone tell me once, recently, that I must be a needy person in order for my husband to be able to put up with me or love me. Ever since that statement I have pondered what that means. How is being independent and not needing anyone become what we strive for in this life? How does that represent strength and power? I have to admit that I fell into that trap. I thought that I was strong and independent and didn't NEED anyone or anything because when you need someone and they let you down, it just causes pain. If you need something and don't get it, it causes pain. So I decided I would not ever need anything.

But it is a lie. We all need something. We all want love and acceptance. It is the most basic need in every human being and even animals. Think about the lengths people go to to get that love and acceptance. Gangs form because they want to feel needed and like they belong somewhere. Spouses have affairs because they just want to feel loved and valued. Some fill those needs with something else, like food, or buying new shoes all the time. Those are some of the unhealthy ways people try to cope. There are some healthier ways people try to cope. Women have this strong need to be loved and accepted. We love to get together and then we talk...a lot...all in an effort to compare with other women and see that we are okay, that we have emotional connections. Facebook is all about getting that love and acceptance from peers. We post a status about something going on in our life and hope that people will respond or "like" what we have said. When we get a lot of responses we feel good about ourselves. If we don't get a response, we feel a little down, like no one cares. I find it somewhat humorous and yet, it demonstrates that we are all needy.

So I have been thinking about my needs lately. Our spouse is one of those people that should be filling our needs. We have basically promised to forsake all others and only need that one person. We also promise to fill that one person's needs. But is it fair for me to need something from my spouse that would suggest he needs to change something about himself in order to fill that need? It seems so selfish and yet, if we are filling each others needs it can be the most rewarding and perhaps the one relationship we would need in our life in order to feel safe and happy. If those needs are being met then we wouldn't feel like we have to have them filled somewhere else. Friendships are nice just because we want to feel connected, but they aren't obligated to fill your needs like a spouse. Even turning to friendships to fill the needs we aren't getting from our spouse can be unhealthy. I guess the conclusion I came to is that my relationship with my spouse is the most important relationship and needs to come first (aside from my relationship with my Heavenly Father).

What if your spouse isn't filling your needs? I had a friend share her experience with me about her husband not being who she needed him to be. She talked about how that is where the atonement comes into play. Christ makes up the difference for that person's shortcomings. He fills the holes. When we rely on the Savior to fill those needs, it frees our spouse to be able to change at their own pace without the disapproval and disappointment coming from us. We just accept them for who they are with patience and love. That is what my husband did for me. He loved me unconditionally and allowed me to work through some things and change. Now I am in a better place to fill his needs and he is working to fill mine.

So yes, I AM NEEDY and I'm not going to apologize for it. I need love, acceptance, appreciation, and I need friendships and to know that I am okay. Those who don't think they need anything or anyone are really hurting themselves. They aren't open to closeness with their spouse or to real friendships. I know from personal experience. Just food for thought. What needs do you have and how do you go about filling them?
Thanks for stopping by. :)


Ashley said...

Great post. I totally agree. I've been thinking about this a lot lately too, with more of a "non-judgemental" spin- trying to be kind and friendly even if the other person hasn't given me the best "first impression". Everyone likes to be included, and I know how I feel when people make the effort to invite me to stuff or sit by my in church.

My husband tells me frequently that I am needy, but I figure I'd rather ask for compliments than get angry because he didn't know he was supposed to say something nice...

I think it is funny what you said about facebook. It's the same thing with blogs. Some days my self worth is based on how many comments I have on my post. :0) Silly, but hard to ignore sometimes.

My needs? It reminds me of the "love languages" book. I like compliments. I like to be told when I look cute or when I've done something well. And I fish for it if needs be. Somehow it doesn't feel unsincere. :0) I like to be noticed, invited, thought about. I need to be important, at least a little bit. Not to everyone, but to some. :0)

Again, great post.

ilze said...

krissi u always leave me in tears gal :') ur words speaks to my heart every time..... thank you. xxx

KT said...

Ah needy....You know I know that I am needy but I try to ignore it at all costs. (Not healthy at all.) I try to ignore the fact that I want to feel appreciated and loved for who I am and what I do. And then it boils over. At least you know how to express your needs.
Over time with my DH (dear Hubby) we have worked together to learn how to fulfill each other on all levels of our relationship.
You know everyone wants to feel special and get noticed. I guess this is why girls from a young age start to spend tons of time in front of the mirror in an effort to make certain that someone will appreciate the effort it takes to look so cute.
I am glad you are needy because that means that someone may actually need me and I can fill your cup while you fill mine. ;)