Wednesday, March 3, 2010

What to say....?

Well, First off, I am horrible at blogging. But I have been so consumed with lots of feelings about the past, about the present, about life and death. I think this post is going to be more for my benefit of getting everything out then for your benefit. Although, if someone reads this and can relate, that's great. :0)

We have some friends that lost their 12 year old daughter this morning. She has been fighting a long battle due to being born with congenital heart defects and other defects. She made it a lot longer than the doctors thought she would. I have been reading their blog to keep up on how they have been doing. The link is here, if you would like to read it. It is very humbling to read it and the faith and testimony of the parents is amazing during the hardest trial they have had to face. I cry just thinking about it. It really hit home for me because that could have been my daughter, McKenna. It just never ceases to amaze me that the trials we are called to face are so different. We really just cannot judge anyone, because we don't have a clue as to what they are going through or have gone through.

I have also been thinking about my past and how I thought I had bottled it up all nice and neat so that I could move forward in life. Then someone came back into my life that brought up all those feelings of worthlessness I try to hide. It has been very trying for me. I went through anger at having felt so worthless and anger at those who made me feel worthless. But I just came to the realization that I needed to go through this so that I could get it all out of my system. So there was one person I thought was a friend but turned out to be the epitome of everything I had to deal with in being abandoned by my fathers. I felt abandoned all over again and like I wasn't worth loving. But I am grateful I went through it, even though it hurt, because I feel like I've grown from it. It amazes me that Heavenly Father knew just the thing I needed to go through. I didn't understand what the purpose was until I was truly humbled and then when I was crying on my knees, he let me know what I needed to learn from it. This may sound crazy, but it was very personal and not even my husband knew I was going through it. It also got me thinking about the people that come into our lives and how they have a purpose. Sometimes they are there to lift us when we need it, but sometimes they are there because there is something we need to learn from them. I'm grateful for all of them. I hope I'm the person in your life that was there to lift you when you needed it.

I just feel so much gratitude at the blessings I have been given in my life, that I feel I'm not worthy of, but He blesses me anyway. I also came to the sweet realization that it doesn't matter that I was abandoned by my fathers because I have always had ONE father that has NEVER forsaken me. I love Him with all my heart! I have a very personal relationship with my Father in heaven. I feel Him laughing at me at some of the boneheaded things I do. He laughs in a gentle, loving way. He also gently reminds me when I make mistakes. He reminds me in a talk I hear at church that seems like it's just for me. Or an article I read. Or in someone making a passing comment. He never judges me harshly. I'm grateful for that.

I love my husband SOOOOOOOO much! I can't believe that I married the one man that was perfect for me. He may not be anyone else's ideal, but he is mine. :0) I'm grateful for the beautiful children I have been given and trusted with. I'm grateful for their strong spirits and willingness to do what is right. They teach me everyday. Mostly what they teach me is patience, but sometimes they surprise me with their wisdom and insight. :0)

Sorry this is such a serious post, but it is very therapeutic for me. With the passing of that dear sweet girl, it just made me realize what is important in life. Our friendships, relationships with our family, and our relationship with our Heavenly Father. So go out and tell someone how much they mean to you today.
Thanks for letting me blather on.


Marisa said...

Oh, Kris ... I have to say that I have always looked up to you. I have learned so much from you through our friendship, and wish we were closer so I could selfishly learn more. I kind of know what you mean when you say you were abanded by your fathers ... I have felt that way a lot in regards to my own father. It makes trusting and reaching out a lot harder. So glad you posted this ... causes me to consider all of my blessings as well.

Adrienne said...

Thanks for sharing. Isn't it amazing how we think we are so strong and what seems to be the smallest of things or the things we thought we had conquered come back to get us if we don't deal with them. Or in my case I usually need to deal with them a few times. So sorry to hear about the loss of your friends girl. It's so hard to watch children pass so early. I hope they can find some comfort.

Janet Lee said...

Kris, I know you feel this post was such a downer, but I'm glad you shared. I think we all go through something similar to this at different times in our lives and it helps to know that we are not the only ones. I wish we lived closer to each other. I would really like to get to know you better. Of all my cousins I feel like I know Robert the best... even though I'm not sure what name he goes by now - Robert, Rob, Bob... in my head I still know him as Bobby. Haha... but something tells me he would rather not be called that anymore. Anyway, I think you are an amazing woman and I admire you very much and am glad I get to call you my cousin.

Ashley said...

Great post. I love posts like these- sometimes I think blogs paint a "too Perfect" side, and I feel like I'm the only one that actually struggles or gets upset or feels bad sometimes. Especially when you bear your testimony, it is easy to see that even through the trials (maybe especially) Heavenly Father blesses us still. Thanks for the reminder :0)