DEEP THOUGHTS from the SHOWER

I do not get much quiet time during my day. I don't regret it or resent it. It is simple fact. So I have found that I cherish my shower time. It is quiet, the water is warm, I feel clean, renewed, refreshed. So it makes sense that THAT is the place where I receive the most inspiration. I first learned that I would have twins during shower time. I thought Heavenly Father was joking until the ultrasound proved it to be true. There have been many other things that I have learned through my shower time. Many of the things I have been pondering about and writing about come from there. So I am curious..where are you when you receive your inspiration?

One of the things I have been feeling lately has to do with my children. I have learned so much about the nature of our Heavenly Father by being a parent myself. Right now I am dealing with a teenager and a pre-teen. It is like one day they just turn on you and you don't recognize them anymore. So the thing that struck me in the shower today was this little parallel:

I have raised my children from babies, taught them, watched them learn and grow and I have a pretty good idea of who they are and what they are capable of. I have seen their talents and listened to their fears and desires. Now Jason is rebelling and testing the boundaries. He has become very angry and ornery and won't say a kind word to anybody. I want to shake him and say, "This is NOT who you are! I love you and want what is best for you. Why are you fighting against me?" It then struck me that Heavenly Father feels the same way. He knows who each one of us is, what we are capable of, what are talents are. Sometimes we fight against him. We have forgotten who we are and are trying to figure it out on our own. He lovingly says to us, "I love you, I want what is best for you, why are you fighting against me?" He watches us make mistakes and picks us back up, but always, ALWAYS, He loves us and will keep trying to help us. That is how I feel about my children. I would do anything for them, I will always love them and be there for them. I now understand better what my parents have been going through and dealing with for many years, when I, at times, would judge and say, "Why do you put up with that?"

As my children are growing so quickly, I feel a sense of urgency and I am questioning myself, wondering if I have taught them everything they will need to know to become amazing adults. I am questioning if I have instilled in them the knowledge that I LOVE THEM UNCONDITIONALLY. I am wondering if they have all of the tools necessary to heal from the mistakes I have made as a parent. I want to hold them, love them, spend every minute I can with them. I pray that I have not wasted the time I have been given with them and have not spent that time on things that are of no importance.

Thanks for joining me in my deep thought from the shower today.

Krissi :)

Angel #1

I have been thinking about the angels in my life. There are just so many that I had a hard time deciding who I wanted to write about first. I decided to start with an angel from my early childhood. This angel will never know what she means to me because I will probably never run into her again. She played a brief role on the stage of my life, but had a huge impact on me.

I was about 8 years old. Home life was not that great. My father at the time was not a pleasant person to be around, from what I remember. He would come home and we would have to gage what kind of mood he was in. I would try to clean the house and be the best little girl I could be so that he would come home and be happy. Sorry, this story starts off as kind of a downer, but you need to know the whole story so that you can grasp what this angel did for me. This angel was a neighbor. She didn't have any kids my age, but she had younger kids and I loved to go over and play with them. She would have me babysit sometimes. But she took an interest in me for some reason. She would invite me over and teach me about art and poetry. She would have me spend the night and we would paint our nails and do our hair. She taught me how to ride a horse. She was one of those people that was very eccentric and didn't quite fit in, but I LOVED her. She actually reminds me of the main character in the book "The Ladies Auxiliary" by Tova Mirvis. If you haven't read it, I suggest you do. It is one of my favorite books probably because it reminds me of this angel.

Whenever I was with her I felt free and that I could be anything and say anything I wanted. She helped me set free my creative side. She would get exuberant over anything I did, but it felt genuine. My favorite memory was a rainbow I made out of yarn on a piece of paper and then I wrote a poem to go with it. I don't remember the details, I only remember the feelings. How she made me feel important and talented and like I had something special to offer. Another of my favorite memories was of her letting me ride a horse around her back yard. I fell in love with horses after that and tried to draw them, pet them, and ride them any chance I could! She doesn't know it but she shaped so much of what I love today. I love art, poetry, music, to create, and to appreciate the beauty around me in nature, all thanks to her. It became an outlet for me when I didn't feel I could open up and say what I wanted to say.

One day when my father finally lost it, he was throwing furniture all over the house, papers, books, the piano, anything he could get his hands on and was yelling at my mother and throwing things at her, I grabbed my two sisters and my brother and ran to my angel's house. I felt safe there and knew that we would be taken care of. She called the police and kept us entertained while the police took care of the situation.

From her I gained a desire to take an interest in children that seem quiet and introverted, to help them learn how to express themselves through music or art. It is what prompted me to want to become a child psychologist. I never finished my degree, but I have nine children to practice on. :) I try to teach my kids how to create and find their own voice now.

Shortly after that my mom remarried and we moved and I don't know what happened to my angel. I think she moved as well. I pray she received many blessings for being an angel to me in my time of need.

Has this angel ever crossed your path?

Thanks for stopping by. :)

Krissi

Freezer Meals FRIDAY!

See these two beautiful women? I LOVE these women! Tami Lyman and Jenn Bronson. We decided to get together and do freezer meals. It was a learning process. :) We got together a couple days before and decided on some meals we wanted to make. My suggestion is to use meals that your family already eats so that you aren't introducing something new to them. They won't like it as well. We chose lasagna, chix enchiladas, chix and broccoli casserole, poppyseed chix casserole, then we did a soup base for chix tortilla soup and 6 lbs. of cooked hamburger (I added taco seasoning to mine for tacos, taco soup and nachos), and some chix marinated to grill, and also some chix for burritos. It was marinated in carne asada seasonings.

We gathered our grocery list based on ingredients and then looked online for the best prices. Jenn is a member of this online thingy (love the technical term) that shows you what the deals are in several local grocery stores. Ones in red are "stock up on it" prices. Ones in blue are a good deal but only get it if you need it. Walmart will match any price if you bring in the ad. So we had one person do the shopping at Walmart. We found great prices on chix breasts and hamburger. Hence a lot of chix dishes. :) We want to do more beef recipes next time. Then we just split the bill three ways. We figure we can each take turns doing the shopping and whose house we are cooking at.


We got together Friday morning and started cooking the meat. We discovered that some of the cooking can be done the night before so that we aren't just standing waiting for all the meat to cook. We had 60 lbs of chix and 18 lbs of hamburger and 3 lbs. of Italian sausage. YIKES!

Jenn, who is our health GURU, insisted we drain the hamburger and she even wanted to rinse it but we told her drained was fine. :) Here is all the fat we drained off the hamburger and sausage. Jenn even took paper towels and soaked up more grease. LOL she cracks me up. But thanks to her, we will be healthier. :)

I made lasagnas and the marinades and the enchiladas at the table. We did get some tinfoil pans to freeze them in, but a tip I learned is to put some Saran Wrap in your 9x13 pan and then put your food in it. Freeze it then pull it out by the Wrap and wrap it up and then wrap it in tinfoil. Then when you are ready to cook it, you pull the wraps off and place it back into your 9x13 pan and cook. This saves on pans and space in your freezer. They stack nicely. :)

We had a blast! Great conversation and it only took us 6 hours (with kids and lunch in the midst) to make:

1 meatless lasagna

1 lasagna with sausage

3 ziploc bags of chix marinated for the grill

3 ziploc bags of cooked taco meat (2lbs in each)

1 pan chix enchiladas

1 ziploc bag poppyseed casserole

1 pan chix and broccoli casserole

1 bag Spanish rice

1 bag chix carne asada marinade

2 bags chix tortillas soup base

Next we want to do a stew mix, chix pot pie, lentil soup, cafe rio meat, and some steak marinades. I am going to do some crepes to freeze. They are great for dessert or for putting chix marsala or other things in. 15 meals for $90 ( about $6 a meal) isn't bad for our family size, plus some of them give leftovers so they will last for more than one meal. I am using mine for when my parents come to watch the kids while hubby and I are in Hawaii.

You are welcome, Mom. :D

If you have any tips you would like to share, PLEASE DO! We are still learning. :) If you would like any of the specific recipes we used, shoot me an e-mail and I will send them to you. kristina@byu.net

Thanks for stopping by!

Krissi

Men Are That They Might Have JOY

I have been thinking about this scripture (2 Nephi 2:21) for a few months now. I look around me and see so many people struggling. The concept of THRIVING not just surviving has struck me over and over. How does one thrive amidst all the turmoil? That has been my question. I was studying in 1 Nephi 11 where Nephi is shown the same vision of the Tree of Life as his father, but he receives the meaning to everything in the dream. The tree of life represents the love of God. When Lehi partook of the fruit of the tree he felt "exceedingly great joy" (1 Nephi 8:12) Growing up I always thought that the joy he felt was a result of having completed the journey faithfully and in reaching the tree of life. But there were others who reached the tree and partook of the fruit and felt ashamed and turned away. So what exactly did the fruit represent? Then I started thinking about the love of God. "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved." (John 3:16-17) These are some of my favorite scriptures. It says so much in just a few verses. First, God is not a spiteful, vengeful God. He loves us so much that He sent his Son to save us, not condemn us. I think a lot of people misunderstand the nature of God. "For behold, this is my work and my glory-to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." (Moses 1:39) It states plainly that God's main focus is to bring us home to have eternal life with him. That means that He will do everything in His power to accomplish His work. In order to do this He prepared the way for us by being willing to sacrifice His Son that we might have a way back. So the Love of God is really the sacrifice of His only begotten Son. What fruits did the sacrifice of Christ provide for us? The atonement which allows us to repent and be forgiven and change. Lehi felt exceedingly great joy when he partook of the "fruit" or the atonement. The atonement covers so many things. It covers our sorrow, our disappointment, offenses that we have suffered at someone else's hands, and the pain from making mistakes ourselves. So that is the key to feeling that joy, not at the end of the journey, but all throughout the journey. We must partake of the "fruit" over and over in our life to feel that joy.

Another thing I have been pondering is nature. I was sitting in the parking lot one time, waiting for one of my children to come out and I had the window rolled down. There was a tree with a slight breeze rustling the leaves. All of a sudden I was filled with such comfort and peace and it struck me that the tree was feeling joy. I could feel happiness emanating from it. Then I pictured the birds and how joyful they seemed when they were looking for food or building a nest or singing their song outside my window in the morning. They hop from place to place and just exude joy. It seems to come so easy to them. Think of the majestic mountains standing strong and tall and immovable. Don't they seem to radiate happiness and peace? Why? How? It got me thinking of a phrase I heard in relation to the creation. "That they might feel joy in filling the measure of their creation." The things God created are filling the measure of their creation. The tree was created to stand and grow and provide fruit. It doesn't fight against this, it is doing what it was created to do, no complaining, no murmuring. It just does it. And in doing so it feels joy. When my will is in line with Heavenly Father's I have felt peace, and comfort and joy. He knows what is best for me, what I alone can accomplish. Why do I fight it sometimes? Maybe I think I know better, that maybe God just doesn't understand how hard it really is. But when I turn it over to Him and try to do what He has asked of me, I feel JOY. Not just a fleeting moment of pleasure, but joy felt deep inside my whole being. I need to fill the measure of my creation in order to feel true joy as nature exhibits all around me. I need to let go and trust that God will not lead me astray. He is working to bring to pass MY immortality and MY eternal life. Just as the Savior wrought the atonement for each one of us individually, so too is God working for each one of us as individuals. He didn't say that he was working to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of MEN or of Mankind as a general rule. He said "of MAN", singular. One person at a time.
Just my thoughts on how to THRIVE and find Joy throughout the journey.
Thanks for stopping by. :)
Krissi

Touched By An Angel

A new post so soon? CRAZY, I know! Yesterday, I played the organ for church. When I do that I get to sit on the stand and just watch the people in the congregation. They probably don't know how closely I watch them. :) But I am inspired by watching them. I sit and ponder about what each of their crosses are that they have been called to carry in this life. I wonder if they know how truly amazing they are.

There was one woman who brought tears to my eyes. She wasn't doing anything show-stopping or anything people would take notice of. All she was doing was holding someone's baby for them. But that isn't all. I happen to know that she wanted to have more children. She is about my age and was blessed with two beautiful children, but she desperately wanted more. What touched me was the way she was glowing when she held that baby girl. She stroked her face lovingly. She rocked her back and forth. She was RADIANT with the love and the joy she felt! I felt so much love for her! Other good qualities she has: Her husband and children are THE center of her universe. She always says what is on her mind. That is a quality I wish I had. She has the best laugh. She is strong and determined to finish what she starts. She is an Angel.

So I started to think about ALL of the beautiful women I know in my life. Each one that has touched me, but doesn't even know. I decided that I am going to do a series of posts entitled "Touched by an Angel". These posts will be dedicated to the "Angels" that cross my path. I won't mention any names in case they might be mortified that I wrote about them. :) Maybe you'll recognize who I'm talking about, but more importantly, maybe you will recognize the "Type" of angel I am talking about because you know someone just like that in your life.

One thing I came to realize about myself this past year is that I am a person who searches out beautiful things and tries to incorporate them into my life. It could be a beautiful piece of art, or a piece of music, the lyrics to a song or a short, touching story. But the most rewarding thing I try to seek out is "beautiful" women. Not that they are beautiful as the world portrays beauty. I am talking about the light that shines from within. I see a trait that they have that I want to exhibit and I learn from watching them. What is sad is that most of these women don't even know the light they have to offer. By doing these posts, I am hoping that women will start to see who we are and what we can accomplish. We might not be CEO of a major corporation, we might not write a best-selling novel, we might not ever be on the cover of People magazine, we will NEVER be Oprah, but we work our magic through small and simple means, touching one heart at a time through little acts of kindness.
SO STAY TUNED! I don't know how frequently I will write them. They will come as I'm inspired. :) I hope you will join me as I seek out the Angels among us.
Thanks for stopping by!
Krissi

Take Two Steps Forward....

and one step back and you've made a little progress. That is a line from a song I heard growing up. First, off on a little tangent...everything I ever needed to know I learned from Janeen Brady. She helped write a series called "Standin' Tall". If you've never heard of it, I suggest you google them and buy them for your kids. You won't be sorry you did. :)

So back to my topic...okay, another tangent...if anyone ever does a story of my mediocre and mundane life, it really MUST be a musical. I can think of a song for every situation I have ever faced in my life. I sometimes think that I could speak so much more eloquently through the words of music. Wow...I think I'm coming down with adult ADD.

NOW on to my my topic. Does anyone else feel that this is the pattern of your life? You seem to make some giant leaps forward and then you come across a snag or a minor set-back. Then I'm bounding off again, learning, growing, line upon line, precept upon precept, two steps forward then one step back. But I am such an impatient person. I want to know it all NOW! I don't want to learn a step at a time and I definitely don't want to take any steps back. Sometimes it just feels overwhelming realizing all the things I need to learn to become like my Heavenly Father. Some days are so good and I'm feeling on top of the world and then some days I can't hardly face it all. The back and forth is agonizing at times. So I was pondering and reading in the scriptures and this Book of Mormon study manual I have from my good ol' days at BYU and something just HIT me!

President Spencer W. Kimball: "We knew before we were born that we were coming to the earth for bodies and experience and that we would have joys and sorrows, ease and pain, comforts and hardships, health and sickness, successes and disappointments, and we knew also that after a period of life we would die. We accepted all these eventualities with a GLAD HEART, (emphasis added) eager to accept both the favorable and unfavorable. We eagerly accepted the chance to come earthward even though it might be only for a day or a year. Perhaps we were not so much concerned whether we should die of disease, of accident, or of senility. We were willing to take life as it came and as we might organize and control it, and this WITHOUT MURMUR (again emphasis added), complaint, or unreasonable demands."

I could all of a sudden see myself back in the premortal existence and we were being told the plan. We could see all of the various trials we would face and the sorrow that would come. Knowing what I know now and am feeling at times in my life, what would have made me eagerly accept it with a glad heart? Only one thing. I could see what the end result would be and it must have been breathtakingly beautiful and wonderful. I could see what I would become when I was through with this life after facing each new challenge and I longed for it like nothing else. And really, this life is such a short time compared to all of eternity. I probably thought to myself, "I only have to endure a few short earth years to receive all of the blessings of eternity? Done!" So this is what I keep in my mind as I'm going through life's trials. When I am done with this trial I will be changed and stronger and one step closer to becoming something beautiful and Celestial.

President Howard W. Hunter: "At various times in our lives, probably at repeated times in our lives, we do have to acknowledge that God knows what we do not know and sees what we do not see. 'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.' (Isaiah 55:8)"

This past year has taught me this more than anything. Either you believe you are here by chance with no purpose and to just SURVIVE, or you believe that there is a loving Heavenly Father who is so invested in your future that he has "prepared the way for you through the wilderness". As I have studied the scriptures, this point has jumped out at me over and over; with the Israelites, with the Jaredites, with Lehi and Nephi. God prepared the way for them to make it through the wilderness. Would He not do the same for me? We are all travelers through the wilderness of life and I have seen God's hand preparing the way for me through the challenges I am facing. There are great blessings that come through facing the difficulties. We must keep our eyes open for what can be gained on the other side when we finally make it through. The other side yielded the "Promised Land". When we are in the midst of those trials it seems unbearable at times, but I look towards the other side to see what I will have gained by coming through it. Pain fades, memories fade, but the lessons can be remembered and become a part of our character.

Again, a song to put the point so eloquently; " How Firm a Foundation" Hymn #85

"When through the fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,

My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply,

The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design

Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine."

This was really more for my benefit. It's me thinking out loud....

Thanks for stopping by. :)

Krissi

McKenna Update

I don't know how many of you are familiar with my daughter McKenna and her heart defects. For a run down you can visit the page we set up to connect with loved ones while we were in the hospital www.robert.tolmanfamily.org and click on "McKenna's story". It has been a while since I had to really address this issue because her last surgery was such a success; she leads a pretty normal life. They had to reconstruct her heart when she was four and it took 3 surgeries before that just to get her big enough that they could do the reconstructive heart surgery. It used to consume my thoughts and actions pretty much every day, wondering if she needed surgery, wondering if she was going to survive. Then we moved to Colorado and it was like a new life. No one knew about her and the stress and the trauma we had been through with her. There really wasn't a need to bring it up so I put it all in the back of my mind.

Last year I had a chance to home school all of the kids and I got to really watch McKenna and see how she was doing. I started seeing that she wasn't doing as well as the doctors hoped she would. They were hoping not to have to do another surgery until she was almost a teenager. They will have to do at least a couple more heart surgeries because as she grows the gortex parts they used to re-plumb her heart don't grow with her and that causes her oxygen levels to get lower. Before, they would let her O2 stats get into the low 70's before they would do anything. She is in the 80's right now and you can already tell a difference. It is different watching her now that she is more active and can express what is going on a little better. She gets frequent headaches, she tells me she can't feel her feet, she feels dizzy, all of it a little worrisome. Sometimes she just doesn't feel good and so she tries to put a name to her pain, but just can't, saying her legs hurt, her arm hurts and I can't DO anything to help her...just hold her and give her some love. I know they won't do anything until she gets a lot worse. You can see her heart beating it is working so hard. Her hair and nails stop growing so her body can use the energy somewhere else, she eats a ton but loses weight. But now that she is older and more active and needs to be in school, it will be hard. She looks tired, her eyes droop, she turns dusky, she has a dry cough because as her heart works harder it enlarges and pushes up against her esophagus. I'm beginning to feel like I did the first few years. The old worries creep back. We have been so blessed to have these last 5 years not really having to think about it other than when we visit the dentist (she has to take antibiotics just to have her teeth cleaned), or every year when it's time for flu shots (getting influenza can put her in the hospital). She actually contracted it a couple weeks ago (despite the flu shot) and missed quite a bit of school, another worry.

Rob and I decided that when she needs the next surgery we are doing it in Minnesota. The team there did all of her surgeries and knows her case. They came up with the plan of how to fix her heart because the surgery had never been done before. That presents all sorts of fun things to deal with. Like how we are going to get there, what we are going to do with the kids, because I stay with her in the hospital 24/7 while she is recovering, or will our insurance cover it...

The one thing I know is that it is all in God's hands. He has taken care of us in the past and I have no doubt that He will keep on doing it. So no stress, just ironing out little details and .......waiting. That is the hardest part for me. Having to watch your child suffer, not being able to do anything to help it and just knowing that it will get worse before it gets better. Just thought I would update everyone on the current situation. Nothing urgent, but just things I am dealing with in silence. Prayers are always greatly appreciated. :)
Thanks for stopping by. :)
Krissi