Controlled Chaos

Angels #3

2011-08-03T14:55:00.001-06:00

Now that the kids are back in school, maybe I will have more time to blog. It is kind of like writing in my diary for all to see only a little more censored. :) If you could see my ACTUAL journal, you might be tempted to put me in a Psych Ward.

As I was writing in my journal today, my thoughts turned to my brother, Alan, who passed away almost a year ago. It was this week that he was moving in with us. I can't believe a year has passed already since then. So much has happened and changed.

It got me thinking about a group of angels that helped me through that hard time after his death. I would like to acknowledge them now.

The day I found out about his death, I attended church because the children had a Primary program that they were participating in and I didn't want to deprive them of that. I knew it would be very hard to be there in the emotional state I was in. I wanted to be alone, or so I thought. But this one angel saw me sitting there and put her arm around me and took me to Relief Society and kept her arm around me the whole time. She didn't mind that I was an emotional wreck, spewing snot and tears all over the place. She just hugged me even harder. She didn't say a word. I just felt her love.

I have thought about that over the last year. When you see people that are hurting so badly, it is hard to know what to do or say at that moment. But she just knew what I needed and did it.

Another angel that day. I called up my oldest and dearest friend in the early morning hours after finding out and told her the news. She told me she would be over that afternoon. She and her husband played with the kids while I sat in my room and tried to process everything. I was so glad the kids could play and be happy while I was having my break down. It allowed me to be able to really let it all out and grieve without trying to be strong for my kids. I didn't want to talk and she didn't try to get me to talk. She waited for me to open up. She was a rock for me that day and has been for me every day since I have known her.

Another angel. A friend who had recently lost her brother heard the news and she brought me some flowers with a card that said, "Here is something beautiful to look at when you first wake up in the morning to chase the bad dreams away." I loved it! It really did help me because it mostly let me know that someone else knew that kind of pain and they had made it through, and it let me know that someone cared.

One more angel. We were driving Alan's body up to Idaho. We got the news that we could get his body a day earlier than we had planned. We weren't quite prepared to go, but we wanted to get up there as soon as possible. In comes an angel. She had gathered snack foods and lunch foods for our family. It was a God-send. We had all the food we needed for the drive and were set to leave in no time. We hadn't told anyone our dilemma. But God knew and sent an angel.

I am so grateful for these angels that came in abundance during the most crucial time of need for me. Thinking back on it, it lifts me up and reminds me that I am loved and God knows my needs.

Thanks for stopping by. :)

Krissi

Um...is it July already?

2011-06-30T00:00:00.000-06:00

Game Night Box.

Kids mail boxes

Mommy's mail box

I am REALLY bad at updating. Life is busy but extremely good at the moment. I can't believe that half the year is gone. I remember back in January wondering what this year would hold for me and so far it has been...another roller coaster ride. :)

Rob and I did get to Hawaii. Then my son broke his arm the day after we got back. Then we lost Rob's mom after a long battle with Huntingtons disease. Football camps, Girls camp, Scout camp, Trek...it is going by in a blur.

While we were in Hawaii, we visited the Pearl 1st Ward for church. They had a list of the Seven F's. I LOVED it so much I e-mailed it to myself so that I could use it. I'm sure you have all heard something like it before, but it is a good reminder.

Family prayer

Family scripture study

Family home evening

Family service

Family Fun

Family Council

Frequent Temple attendance

I noticed in particular the Family Service and Family Fun. I think it is a good principle that a family should work together and play together. We are usually all about the work because that is never ending. But I felt very strongly that we needed to make time to make sure we have fun. So I went out and bought a bunch of new games and put them into a container. This is the game night box and it is only to be used on game night. Again, not an original idea. The kids LOVE it, though. Every Saturday night is our family game night. I make snacks and treats and we all sit around the table and play games. I have already noticed a huge difference in my teenager. He joined us and even played with the younger kids. It was one of those "it is all worth it" moments.

Another thing I have implemented is our own "mail system". The kids would catch me in the middle of making dinner and attack me with all sorts of things they wanted me to see or hear or watch and I felt bad that I couldn't give them my undivided attention. It usually ends up being very stressful because I'm trying to get dinner ready before having to run off and take someone somewhere. Rob has been traveling alot this year, being gone almost every week. So it is all left up to me. So I had a brilliant friend of mine make a suggestion and I took it even further. Each one of the kids has their own little mail box that they got to decorate. I put them on a little shelf in our kitchen. I can use these to put little notes of encouragement or little gifts to let the kids know that I am thinking of them. I have a regular sized mail box on the counter for my kids to put things in that they want me to see or a note if they have something to say to me. I tell them that I would check my mail box at the end of every day so that they knew I would get to it when I could. They can also put little notes in each others mail boxes to encourage each other. It has been so fun. And who doesn't LOVE happy mail? I love getting letters in the mail from people. It is a lost art since e-mail was invented. But I love getting nice messages in e-mail, too, instead of the junk. It just brightens your day. :)

Update in a nutshell. I will eventually do a post ALL about Hawaii when I can get my computer to work properly. BEST VACATION EVER!!!!

Thanks for stopping by :)

Krissi

Angel #2

2011-04-11T21:01:00.008-06:00

A picture that was posted on Facebook by a friend made me think of my second angel. First, the background. I was 15 and going into my sophomore year when we moved from Idaho to Wisconsin. I was anorexic at the time and my self-esteem was slim to nonexistent. I developed a love for volleyball and tried out for the team in Wisconsin. I made starting team! But the girls that had lived there their whole life were not too happy because one of their friends got cut. They blamed me. That made life very interesting. I was playing volleyball with a group of girls that hated me. But I stuck with it. One in particular singled me out because rumor had it that her boyfriend said he thought I was cute. She would trip me in the halls, call me names, throw basketballs at my head in PE, write naughty names on my locker, shove me into lockers and so forth. That first year in a new school was hell. But in comes my angel...

This angel was my Sunday school teacher. She was always so upbeat and positive and taught me that if I didn't feel confident I just needed to fake it until I make it. She was always encouraging me to try new things and put myself out there. That was pretty terrifying for me and still is, but I tried out for the school musical because of her encouragement and got the lead role. She came to my musicals and supported me any way she could. She had 6 children of her own and her marriage was falling apart, but she never acted like it was a burden or too much trouble to support me. She went beyond her calling and cared for me. She eventually became my Laurel advisor and I feel that it was a direct blessing from Heavenly Father that she continue to be put in a place where she could influence me. It was the summer before my Senior year. I was homesick for Idaho. I missed my friends desperately. Well, she picked up on this and invited me to go on a road trip with her and some of her kids. They were headed West for some reason, I don't really remember, but she offered to drive out of her way to drop me off in Idaho so that I could see all my friends before we all graduated. It was amazing to me! Then she picked me up and we went sight-seeing in Yellowstone on the way home and stayed in Jackson Hole. It was a blast. One of the highlights of my life. But her influence didn't stop there. She encouraged me all through my Senior year and helped me with my Laurel project and gave me the confidence to put on a talent show for the ward. She would take me shopping with her girls and treated me like her own daughters. She was always telling me how cute I was and trying to dress me up in something other than frumpy clothes....poor woman had her work cut out for her. :) I eventually overcame my anorexia. When I went off to college she had me drive with her boys so that I was watched out for.

She eventually got divorced. But she never once complained about her life or what was happening. She made me feel like I was a priority and worth her time. I can't hardly believe it when I look back now. Doesn't she seem too good to be true?

What I took from her was the desire to go the extra mile in my callings. I want people to know that I genuinely love them and would do anything for them, not just because I am their Visiting Teacher or the Beehive advisor...but because I care about them as a person. I don't always have as much time as I would like to be there for them, but I try to do what I can. I also try to see the positive in everything and try not to complain about anything. I also fake my confidence and hopefully after 20 years I'm a little closer to making it than faking it. :) I love her dearly and I hope she knows how much she means to me and that she made a huge difference in my life. I wish I could repay her, but I will probably just have to pay it forward to some one else.

Has this angel ever crossed your path? Thanks for stopping by! :) Krissi

BONEHEAD

2011-04-05T16:12:00.004-06:00

Sometimes I say some pretty boneheaded things. For example...once I said, in all seriousness, "Cupcakes are like little mini cakes." Yes...those words actually came out of my mouth. Or sometimes I will say something I think is funny and if I don't get the response I was looking for the first time, I will repeat myself. Still no response. Well, maybe if I say it ONE more time...nope. I usually try to pass it off as "I'm a Blond" behavior, but it can only go so far.

I also do some pretty boneheaded things. Like one time I was at a friend's house. This friend and I are just starting to get to know each other and I think she was testing the waters to see if she actually wanted to pursue a friendship with me. Well, my daughter, Bella, was stinky and I hadn't thought to bring the diaper bag. It never fails. Your children always poop when you don't bring the diaper bag. So I asked if I could borrow a diaper from her. She just happened to have one, even though she had potty-trained her youngest. So I proceeded to change Bella, but I did it on her coffee table not even thinking that my friend might be horribly offended by it. I realized it while I was changing Bella, but what do you say at a moment like that? "Oh, sorry, I hope you don't eat off your coffee table!" So I say nothing and act like it was the most normal thing in the world. I DID wipe the table off with a wipe just to make sure it was clean. MORTIFIED!

But here is the thing...once I do or say something boneheaded, I play it over and over in my mind, working myself up into a tizzy thinking that CERTAINLY no one would want to be my friend after saying or doing something so stupid. Am I alone in this? Is this a female thing? Are there any men out there that do this, too? Looking for some perspective. What's that saying? "It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt." That is Mark Twain. My new motto.

This was my deep thought for today! :)

Krissi

DEEP THOUGHTS from the SHOWER

2011-04-04T14:35:00.011-06:00

I do not get much quiet time during my day. I don't regret it or resent it. It is simple fact. So I have found that I cherish my shower time. It is quiet, the water is warm, I feel clean, renewed, refreshed. So it makes sense that THAT is the place where I receive the most inspiration. I first learned that I would have twins during shower time. I thought Heavenly Father was joking until the ultrasound proved it to be true. There have been many other things that I have learned through my shower time. Many of the things I have been pondering about and writing about come from there. So I am curious..where are you when you receive your inspiration?

One of the things I have been feeling lately has to do with my children. I have learned so much about the nature of our Heavenly Father by being a parent myself. Right now I am dealing with a teenager and a pre-teen. It is like one day they just turn on you and you don't recognize them anymore. So the thing that struck me in the shower today was this little parallel:

I have raised my children from babies, taught them, watched them learn and grow and I have a pretty good idea of who they are and what they are capable of. I have seen their talents and listened to their fears and desires. Now Jason is rebelling and testing the boundaries. He has become very angry and ornery and won't say a kind word to anybody. I want to shake him and say, "This is NOT who you are! I love you and want what is best for you. Why are you fighting against me?" It then struck me that Heavenly Father feels the same way. He knows who each one of us is, what we are capable of, what are talents are. Sometimes we fight against him. We have forgotten who we are and are trying to figure it out on our own. He lovingly says to us, "I love you, I want what is best for you, why are you fighting against me?" He watches us make mistakes and picks us back up, but always, ALWAYS, He loves us and will keep trying to help us. That is how I feel about my children. I would do anything for them, I will always love them and be there for them. I now understand better what my parents have been going through and dealing with for many years, when I, at times, would judge and say, "Why do you put up with that?"

As my children are growing so quickly, I feel a sense of urgency and I am questioning myself, wondering if I have taught them everything they will need to know to become amazing adults. I am questioning if I have instilled in them the knowledge that I LOVE THEM UNCONDITIONALLY. I am wondering if they have all of the tools necessary to heal from the mistakes I have made as a parent. I want to hold them, love them, spend every minute I can with them. I pray that I have not wasted the time I have been given with them and have not spent that time on things that are of no importance.

Thanks for joining me in my deep thought from the shower today.

Krissi :)

Angel #1

2011-03-28T20:59:00.008-06:00

I have been thinking about the angels in my life. There are just so many that I had a hard time deciding who I wanted to write about first. I decided to start with an angel from my early childhood. This angel will never know what she means to me because I will probably never run into her again. She played a brief role on the stage of my life, but had a huge impact on me.

I was about 8 years old. Home life was not that great. My father at the time was not a pleasant person to be around, from what I remember. He would come home and we would have to gage what kind of mood he was in. I would try to clean the house and be the best little girl I could be so that he would come home and be happy. Sorry, this story starts off as kind of a downer, but you need to know the whole story so that you can grasp what this angel did for me. This angel was a neighbor. She didn't have any kids my age, but she had younger kids and I loved to go over and play with them. She would have me babysit sometimes. But she took an interest in me for some reason. She would invite me over and teach me about art and poetry. She would have me spend the night and we would paint our nails and do our hair. She taught me how to ride a horse. She was one of those people that was very eccentric and didn't quite fit in, but I LOVED her. She actually reminds me of the main character in the book "The Ladies Auxiliary" by Tova Mirvis. If you haven't read it, I suggest you do. It is one of my favorite books probably because it reminds me of this angel.

Whenever I was with her I felt free and that I could be anything and say anything I wanted. She helped me set free my creative side. She would get exuberant over anything I did, but it felt genuine. My favorite memory was a rainbow I made out of yarn on a piece of paper and then I wrote a poem to go with it. I don't remember the details, I only remember the feelings. How she made me feel important and talented and like I had something special to offer. Another of my favorite memories was of her letting me ride a horse around her back yard. I fell in love with horses after that and tried to draw them, pet them, and ride them any chance I could! She doesn't know it but she shaped so much of what I love today. I love art, poetry, music, to create, and to appreciate the beauty around me in nature, all thanks to her. It became an outlet for me when I didn't feel I could open up and say what I wanted to say.

One day when my father finally lost it, he was throwing furniture all over the house, papers, books, the piano, anything he could get his hands on and was yelling at my mother and throwing things at her, I grabbed my two sisters and my brother and ran to my angel's house. I felt safe there and knew that we would be taken care of. She called the police and kept us entertained while the police took care of the situation.

From her I gained a desire to take an interest in children that seem quiet and introverted, to help them learn how to express themselves through music or art. It is what prompted me to want to become a child psychologist. I never finished my degree, but I have nine children to practice on. :) I try to teach my kids how to create and find their own voice now.

Shortly after that my mom remarried and we moved and I don't know what happened to my angel. I think she moved as well. I pray she received many blessings for being an angel to me in my time of need.

Has this angel ever crossed your path?

Thanks for stopping by. :)

Krissi

Freezer Meals FRIDAY!

2011-03-22T13:39:00.009-06:00

See these two beautiful women? I LOVE these women! Tami Lyman and Jenn Bronson. We decided to get together and do freezer meals. It was a learning process. :) We got together a couple days before and decided on some meals we wanted to make. My suggestion is to use meals that your family already eats so that you aren't introducing something new to them. They won't like it as well. We chose lasagna, chix enchiladas, chix and broccoli casserole, poppyseed chix casserole, then we did a soup base for chix tortilla soup and 6 lbs. of cooked hamburger (I added taco seasoning to mine for tacos, taco soup and nachos), and some chix marinated to grill, and also some chix for burritos. It was marinated in carne asada seasonings.

We gathered our grocery list based on ingredients and then looked online for the best prices. Jenn is a member of this online thingy (love the technical term) that shows you what the deals are in several local grocery stores. Ones in red are "stock up on it" prices. Ones in blue are a good deal but only get it if you need it. Walmart will match any price if you bring in the ad. So we had one person do the shopping at Walmart. We found great prices on chix breasts and hamburger. Hence a lot of chix dishes. :) We want to do more beef recipes next time. Then we just split the bill three ways. We figure we can each take turns doing the shopping and whose house we are cooking at.

We got together Friday morning and started cooking the meat. We discovered that some of the cooking can be done the night before so that we aren't just standing waiting for all the meat to cook. We had 60 lbs of chix and 18 lbs of hamburger and 3 lbs. of Italian sausage. YIKES!

Jenn, who is our health GURU, insisted we drain the hamburger and she even wanted to rinse it but we told her drained was fine. :) Here is all the fat we drained off the hamburger and sausage. Jenn even took paper towels and soaked up more grease. LOL she cracks me up. But thanks to her, we will be healthier. :)

I made lasagnas and the marinades and the enchiladas at the table. We did get some tinfoil pans to freeze them in, but a tip I learned is to put some Saran Wrap in your 9x13 pan and then put your food in it. Freeze it then pull it out by the Wrap and wrap it up and then wrap it in tinfoil. Then when you are ready to cook it, you pull the wraps off and place it back into your 9x13 pan and cook. This saves on pans and space in your freezer. They stack nicely. :)

We had a blast! Great conversation and it only took us 6 hours (with kids and lunch in the midst) to make:

1 meatless lasagna

1 lasagna with sausage

3 ziploc bags of chix marinated for the grill

3 ziploc bags of cooked taco meat (2lbs in each)

1 pan chix enchiladas

1 ziploc bag poppyseed casserole

1 pan chix and broccoli casserole

1 bag Spanish rice

1 bag chix carne asada marinade

2 bags chix tortillas soup base

Next we want to do a stew mix, chix pot pie, lentil soup, cafe rio meat, and some steak marinades. I am going to do some crepes to freeze. They are great for dessert or for putting chix marsala or other things in. 15 meals for $90 ( about $6 a meal) isn't bad for our family size, plus some of them give leftovers so they will last for more than one meal. I am using mine for when my parents come to watch the kids while hubby and I are in Hawaii.

You are welcome, Mom. :D

If you have any tips you would like to share, PLEASE DO! We are still learning. :) If you would like any of the specific recipes we used, shoot me an e-mail and I will send them to you. kristina@byu.net

Thanks for stopping by!

Krissi

Men Are That They Might Have JOY

2011-03-15T10:17:00.004-06:00

I have been thinking about this scripture (2 Nephi 2:21) for a few months now. I look around me and see so many people struggling. The concept of THRIVING not just surviving has struck me over and over. How does one thrive amidst all the turmoil? That has been my question. I was studying in 1 Nephi 11 where Nephi is shown the same vision of the Tree of Life as his father, but he receives the meaning to everything in the dream. The tree of life represents the love of God. When Lehi partook of the fruit of the tree he felt "exceedingly great joy" (1 Nephi 8:12) Growing up I always thought that the joy he felt was a result of having completed the journey faithfully and in reaching the tree of life. But there were others who reached the tree and partook of the fruit and felt ashamed and turned away. So what exactly did the fruit represent? Then I started thinking about the love of God. "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved." (John 3:16-17) These are some of my favorite scriptures. It says so much in just a few verses. First, God is not a spiteful, vengeful God. He loves us so much that He sent his Son to save us, not condemn us. I think a lot of people misunderstand the nature of God. "For behold, this is my work and my glory-to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." (Moses 1:39) It states plainly that God's main focus is to bring us home to have eternal life with him. That means that He will do everything in His power to accomplish His work. In order to do this He prepared the way for us by being willing to sacrifice His Son that we might have a way back. So the Love of God is really the sacrifice of His only begotten Son. What fruits did the sacrifice of Christ provide for us? The atonement which allows us to repent and be forgiven and change. Lehi felt exceedingly great joy when he partook of the "fruit" or the atonement. The atonement covers so many things. It covers our sorrow, our disappointment, offenses that we have suffered at someone else's hands, and the pain from making mistakes ourselves. So that is the key to feeling that joy, not at the end of the journey, but all throughout the journey. We must partake of the "fruit" over and over in our life to feel that joy.

Another thing I have been pondering is nature. I was sitting in the parking lot one time, waiting for one of my children to come out and I had the window rolled down. There was a tree with a slight breeze rustling the leaves. All of a sudden I was filled with such comfort and peace and it struck me that the tree was feeling joy. I could feel happiness emanating from it. Then I pictured the birds and how joyful they seemed when they were looking for food or building a nest or singing their song outside my window in the morning. They hop from place to place and just exude joy. It seems to come so easy to them. Think of the majestic mountains standing strong and tall and immovable. Don't they seem to radiate happiness and peace? Why? How? It got me thinking of a phrase I heard in relation to the creation. "That they might feel joy in filling the measure of their creation." The things God created are filling the measure of their creation. The tree was created to stand and grow and provide fruit. It doesn't fight against this, it is doing what it was created to do, no complaining, no murmuring. It just does it. And in doing so it feels joy. When my will is in line with Heavenly Father's I have felt peace, and comfort and joy. He knows what is best for me, what I alone can accomplish. Why do I fight it sometimes? Maybe I think I know better, that maybe God just doesn't understand how hard it really is. But when I turn it over to Him and try to do what He has asked of me, I feel JOY. Not just a fleeting moment of pleasure, but joy felt deep inside my whole being. I need to fill the measure of my creation in order to feel true joy as nature exhibits all around me. I need to let go and trust that God will not lead me astray. He is working to bring to pass MY immortality and MY eternal life. Just as the Savior wrought the atonement for each one of us individually, so too is God working for each one of us as individuals. He didn't say that he was working to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of MEN or of Mankind as a general rule. He said "of MAN", singular. One person at a time.
Just my thoughts on how to THRIVE and find Joy throughout the journey.
Thanks for stopping by. :)
Krissi

Touched By An Angel

2011-02-28T09:45:00.002-07:00

A new post so soon? CRAZY, I know! Yesterday, I played the organ for church. When I do that I get to sit on the stand and just watch the people in the congregation. They probably don't know how closely I watch them. :) But I am inspired by watching them. I sit and ponder about what each of their crosses are that they have been called to carry in this life. I wonder if they know how truly amazing they are.

There was one woman who brought tears to my eyes. She wasn't doing anything show-stopping or anything people would take notice of. All she was doing was holding someone's baby for them. But that isn't all. I happen to know that she wanted to have more children. She is about my age and was blessed with two beautiful children, but she desperately wanted more. What touched me was the way she was glowing when she held that baby girl. She stroked her face lovingly. She rocked her back and forth. She was RADIANT with the love and the joy she felt! I felt so much love for her! Other good qualities she has: Her husband and children are THE center of her universe. She always says what is on her mind. That is a quality I wish I had. She has the best laugh. She is strong and determined to finish what she starts. She is an Angel.

So I started to think about ALL of the beautiful women I know in my life. Each one that has touched me, but doesn't even know. I decided that I am going to do a series of posts entitled "Touched by an Angel". These posts will be dedicated to the "Angels" that cross my path. I won't mention any names in case they might be mortified that I wrote about them. :) Maybe you'll recognize who I'm talking about, but more importantly, maybe you will recognize the "Type" of angel I am talking about because you know someone just like that in your life.

One thing I came to realize about myself this past year is that I am a person who searches out beautiful things and tries to incorporate them into my life. It could be a beautiful piece of art, or a piece of music, the lyrics to a song or a short, touching story. But the most rewarding thing I try to seek out is "beautiful" women. Not that they are beautiful as the world portrays beauty. I am talking about the light that shines from within. I see a trait that they have that I want to exhibit and I learn from watching them. What is sad is that most of these women don't even know the light they have to offer. By doing these posts, I am hoping that women will start to see who we are and what we can accomplish. We might not be CEO of a major corporation, we might not write a best-selling novel, we might not ever be on the cover of People magazine, we will NEVER be Oprah, but we work our magic through small and simple means, touching one heart at a time through little acts of kindness.
SO STAY TUNED! I don't know how frequently I will write them. They will come as I'm inspired. :) I hope you will join me as I seek out the Angels among us.
Thanks for stopping by!
Krissi

Take Two Steps Forward....

2011-02-25T22:03:00.003-07:00

and one step back and you've made a little progress. That is a line from a song I heard growing up. First, off on a little tangent...everything I ever needed to know I learned from Janeen Brady. She helped write a series called "Standin' Tall". If you've never heard of it, I suggest you google them and buy them for your kids. You won't be sorry you did. :)

So back to my topic...okay, another tangent...if anyone ever does a story of my mediocre and mundane life, it really MUST be a musical. I can think of a song for every situation I have ever faced in my life. I sometimes think that I could speak so much more eloquently through the words of music. Wow...I think I'm coming down with adult ADD.

NOW on to my my topic. Does anyone else feel that this is the pattern of your life? You seem to make some giant leaps forward and then you come across a snag or a minor set-back. Then I'm bounding off again, learning, growing, line upon line, precept upon precept, two steps forward then one step back. But I am such an impatient person. I want to know it all NOW! I don't want to learn a step at a time and I definitely don't want to take any steps back. Sometimes it just feels overwhelming realizing all the things I need to learn to become like my Heavenly Father. Some days are so good and I'm feeling on top of the world and then some days I can't hardly face it all. The back and forth is agonizing at times. So I was pondering and reading in the scriptures and this Book of Mormon study manual I have from my good ol' days at BYU and something just HIT me!

President Spencer W. Kimball: "We knew before we were born that we were coming to the earth for bodies and experience and that we would have joys and sorrows, ease and pain, comforts and hardships, health and sickness, successes and disappointments, and we knew also that after a period of life we would die. We accepted all these eventualities with a GLAD HEART, (emphasis added) eager to accept both the favorable and unfavorable. We eagerly accepted the chance to come earthward even though it might be only for a day or a year. Perhaps we were not so much concerned whether we should die of disease, of accident, or of senility. We were willing to take life as it came and as we might organize and control it, and this WITHOUT MURMUR (again emphasis added), complaint, or unreasonable demands."

I could all of a sudden see myself back in the premortal existence and we were being told the plan. We could see all of the various trials we would face and the sorrow that would come. Knowing what I know now and am feeling at times in my life, what would have made me eagerly accept it with a glad heart? Only one thing. I could see what the end result would be and it must have been breathtakingly beautiful and wonderful. I could see what I would become when I was through with this life after facing each new challenge and I longed for it like nothing else. And really, this life is such a short time compared to all of eternity. I probably thought to myself, "I only have to endure a few short earth years to receive all of the blessings of eternity? Done!" So this is what I keep in my mind as I'm going through life's trials. When I am done with this trial I will be changed and stronger and one step closer to becoming something beautiful and Celestial.

President Howard W. Hunter: "At various times in our lives, probably at repeated times in our lives, we do have to acknowledge that God knows what we do not know and sees what we do not see. 'For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.' (Isaiah 55:8)"

This past year has taught me this more than anything. Either you believe you are here by chance with no purpose and to just SURVIVE, or you believe that there is a loving Heavenly Father who is so invested in your future that he has "prepared the way for you through the wilderness". As I have studied the scriptures, this point has jumped out at me over and over; with the Israelites, with the Jaredites, with Lehi and Nephi. God prepared the way for them to make it through the wilderness. Would He not do the same for me? We are all travelers through the wilderness of life and I have seen God's hand preparing the way for me through the challenges I am facing. There are great blessings that come through facing the difficulties. We must keep our eyes open for what can be gained on the other side when we finally make it through. The other side yielded the "Promised Land". When we are in the midst of those trials it seems unbearable at times, but I look towards the other side to see what I will have gained by coming through it. Pain fades, memories fade, but the lessons can be remembered and become a part of our character.

Again, a song to put the point so eloquently; " How Firm a Foundation" Hymn #85

"When through the fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,

My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply,

The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design

Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine."

This was really more for my benefit. It's me thinking out loud....

Thanks for stopping by. :)

Krissi

McKenna Update

2011-02-16T22:12:00.002-07:00

I don't know how many of you are familiar with my daughter McKenna and her heart defects. For a run down you can visit the page we set up to connect with loved ones while we were in the hospital www.robert.tolmanfamily.org and click on "McKenna's story". It has been a while since I had to really address this issue because her last surgery was such a success; she leads a pretty normal life. They had to reconstruct her heart when she was four and it took 3 surgeries before that just to get her big enough that they could do the reconstructive heart surgery. It used to consume my thoughts and actions pretty much every day, wondering if she needed surgery, wondering if she was going to survive. Then we moved to Colorado and it was like a new life. No one knew about her and the stress and the trauma we had been through with her. There really wasn't a need to bring it up so I put it all in the back of my mind.

Last year I had a chance to home school all of the kids and I got to really watch McKenna and see how she was doing. I started seeing that she wasn't doing as well as the doctors hoped she would. They were hoping not to have to do another surgery until she was almost a teenager. They will have to do at least a couple more heart surgeries because as she grows the gortex parts they used to re-plumb her heart don't grow with her and that causes her oxygen levels to get lower. Before, they would let her O2 stats get into the low 70's before they would do anything. She is in the 80's right now and you can already tell a difference. It is different watching her now that she is more active and can express what is going on a little better. She gets frequent headaches, she tells me she can't feel her feet, she feels dizzy, all of it a little worrisome. Sometimes she just doesn't feel good and so she tries to put a name to her pain, but just can't, saying her legs hurt, her arm hurts and I can't DO anything to help her...just hold her and give her some love. I know they won't do anything until she gets a lot worse. You can see her heart beating it is working so hard. Her hair and nails stop growing so her body can use the energy somewhere else, she eats a ton but loses weight. But now that she is older and more active and needs to be in school, it will be hard. She looks tired, her eyes droop, she turns dusky, she has a dry cough because as her heart works harder it enlarges and pushes up against her esophagus. I'm beginning to feel like I did the first few years. The old worries creep back. We have been so blessed to have these last 5 years not really having to think about it other than when we visit the dentist (she has to take antibiotics just to have her teeth cleaned), or every year when it's time for flu shots (getting influenza can put her in the hospital). She actually contracted it a couple weeks ago (despite the flu shot) and missed quite a bit of school, another worry.

Rob and I decided that when she needs the next surgery we are doing it in Minnesota. The team there did all of her surgeries and knows her case. They came up with the plan of how to fix her heart because the surgery had never been done before. That presents all sorts of fun things to deal with. Like how we are going to get there, what we are going to do with the kids, because I stay with her in the hospital 24/7 while she is recovering, or will our insurance cover it...

The one thing I know is that it is all in God's hands. He has taken care of us in the past and I have no doubt that He will keep on doing it. So no stress, just ironing out little details and .......waiting. That is the hardest part for me. Having to watch your child suffer, not being able to do anything to help it and just knowing that it will get worse before it gets better. Just thought I would update everyone on the current situation. Nothing urgent, but just things I am dealing with in silence. Prayers are always greatly appreciated. :)
Thanks for stopping by. :)
Krissi

I Am Needy

2011-02-01T15:15:00.005-07:00

Most people when they think of someone being needy tie a negative connotation to it. I had someone tell me once, recently, that I must be a needy person in order for my husband to be able to put up with me or love me. Ever since that statement I have pondered what that means. How is being independent and not needing anyone become what we strive for in this life? How does that represent strength and power? I have to admit that I fell into that trap. I thought that I was strong and independent and didn't NEED anyone or anything because when you need someone and they let you down, it just causes pain. If you need something and don't get it, it causes pain. So I decided I would not ever need anything.

But it is a lie. We all need something. We all want love and acceptance. It is the most basic need in every human being and even animals. Think about the lengths people go to to get that love and acceptance. Gangs form because they want to feel needed and like they belong somewhere. Spouses have affairs because they just want to feel loved and valued. Some fill those needs with something else, like food, or buying new shoes all the time. Those are some of the unhealthy ways people try to cope. There are some healthier ways people try to cope. Women have this strong need to be loved and accepted. We love to get together and then we talk...a lot...all in an effort to compare with other women and see that we are okay, that we have emotional connections. Facebook is all about getting that love and acceptance from peers. We post a status about something going on in our life and hope that people will respond or "like" what we have said. When we get a lot of responses we feel good about ourselves. If we don't get a response, we feel a little down, like no one cares. I find it somewhat humorous and yet, it demonstrates that we are all needy.

So I have been thinking about my needs lately. Our spouse is one of those people that should be filling our needs. We have basically promised to forsake all others and only need that one person. We also promise to fill that one person's needs. But is it fair for me to need something from my spouse that would suggest he needs to change something about himself in order to fill that need? It seems so selfish and yet, if we are filling each others needs it can be the most rewarding and perhaps the one relationship we would need in our life in order to feel safe and happy. If those needs are being met then we wouldn't feel like we have to have them filled somewhere else. Friendships are nice just because we want to feel connected, but they aren't obligated to fill your needs like a spouse. Even turning to friendships to fill the needs we aren't getting from our spouse can be unhealthy. I guess the conclusion I came to is that my relationship with my spouse is the most important relationship and needs to come first (aside from my relationship with my Heavenly Father).

What if your spouse isn't filling your needs? I had a friend share her experience with me about her husband not being who she needed him to be. She talked about how that is where the atonement comes into play. Christ makes up the difference for that person's shortcomings. He fills the holes. When we rely on the Savior to fill those needs, it frees our spouse to be able to change at their own pace without the disapproval and disappointment coming from us. We just accept them for who they are with patience and love. That is what my husband did for me. He loved me unconditionally and allowed me to work through some things and change. Now I am in a better place to fill his needs and he is working to fill mine.

So yes, I AM NEEDY and I'm not going to apologize for it. I need love, acceptance, appreciation, and I need friendships and to know that I am okay. Those who don't think they need anything or anyone are really hurting themselves. They aren't open to closeness with their spouse or to real friendships. I know from personal experience. Just food for thought. What needs do you have and how do you go about filling them?
Thanks for stopping by. :)
Krissi

Beautiful

2011-01-05T16:13:00.011-07:00

I grew up as a tom-boy. I didn't start wearing make-up or even know how to put on make-up until I turned 30. So it is a mystery to me that I have girls that are girly-girl. We have a friend whose daughter has been in the Miss Colorado Outstanding Teen Pageant a couple of times and they need Princesses. So my girls JUMPED at the chance! But I have to admit they are gorgeous. Watch out, Rob!!!! Get that shot-gun ready....

The dresses were hand-made by Janet Kurihara. Her daughter, Sam, is in the pagaent. Aren't the dresses amazing?

Bug even has the Princess Pout down already. Here we are waiting for the big show to start.

Emi said that she would like to be in one of these pagaents. They can win a lot of scholoarship money. For the younger girls, they don't have the swimsuit competition. It is called the Fitness Wear competition. They are promoting healthy lifestyles and being fit. We'll see if she really means it or not...

I wish I had McKenna's eyebrows. She is so beautiful.

Bug's eyes are so gorgeous! Her poor little face. A few days before she was running to catch the bus and slipped and landed flat on her nose! It is bruised pretty badly, but her first question amidst her tears was, "Will they still let me be in the pagaent?" She is hilarious. One other time she got a big bump on her head and I asked her if she was okay and still wanted to go to the park. She said, "I'm fine, but I don't want to go to the park because I'm HIDEOUS!" Exact words...

I tried to cover the bruises as best I could with make-up.

Here's a side view of the hair. Thank you to show choir in 9th grade that helped me to learn how to do hair at least!

I did a pretty good job, if I do say so myself. :)

And it was cheaper than having someone else do it.

All that waiting around for the big moment. At least they feel like Princesses for a short time and that is what matters the most.

New Beginnings

2010-12-28T14:40:00.002-07:00

This is a picture of the Oak seed that we planted on behalf of Alan. We are going to plant it in the yard in the Spring. I was just thinking about how it represents new life and a new beginning which feels appropriate as it applies to my life. I know I have posted some pretty sad and depressing things over the last few weeks in an attempt to get it all out there. Some people have taken it to mean that I am depressed and are worried about me. But what I was trying to convey is that I am not depressed. I am extremely happy because I have let it all go. It is my past and it no longer defines who I am. I am choosing to be happy. Not that I haven't been happy before, but now there is nothing weighing me down.

As New Year's is approaching, I have reflected over this past year and the twists and turns it took. From the death of my Grandpa in January, to the death of a friend's daughter, to building new friendships and losing some friendships, to the death of my brother and to being healed from my past hurts and pain. It has been a rollercoaster ride. But in the end, I have been refined and become more devoted to the Savior and so it was all worth it.

I am looking forward to the next year and it's many twists and turns. I can't even begin to imagine what is in store for me. But no matter what happens, I can overcome anything with the Savior by my side. This I know.

On my path to discovering who I am, I have hurt some people. There is no excuse for what I have done, but I am truly sorry that I have hurt you. It was not my intention. I wish more than anything I could have learned an easier way without hurting anyone. I pray everyday that those who have been hurt by me can someday forgive me. It is my greatest wish. Maybe in time....

So to looking forward to my future, I am seeing the twins potty trained, Jason starting Highschool and Seminary, McKenna needing another heart surgery, Joshy learning how to read, teaching the kids piano, a much needed vacation to Hawaii with my sweet hubby, and many more things that I can't see yet. Let the ride begin! :)
Happy New Year!!!!
Kris

Tough Topic

2010-11-26T09:48:00.009-07:00

I don't know why, but I feel like I need to post this link on here. It is a very tough topic to discuss. It is about verbal and emotional abuse. The article was published in the June 1996 Ensign. When I read this, I was floored to realize that I could recognize many forms of this abuse in my own life. I think verbal and emotional abuse are more dangerous because the victim doesn't even realize what is going on and often tells themselves that it isn't a big deal, that we can deal with it or it isn't worth bringing up. We tell ourselves that we are just being sensitive and it is probably just in our head, or that we deserve it. But slowly over time it wears on you and wears on you until you start to believe that what you want doesn't matter, you are stupid, it is all your fault, etc. I have often been told, "Can't you take a joke?" I learned to make myself the butt of jokes so that people thought I was laughing at myself and knew how to have a good time because if I ever expressed that what someone said hurt me, I was made to look like a fool and a poor sport. Along with my low self-esteem, it was a dangerous combination. I was so desperate for people to love me that I would put up with anything. It allowed men to abuse me verbally, emotionally and sexually. Then I would think that it was all my fault, that there was just something about me that made men want to do those things to me, that I must have asked for it somehow. I carried it for years as my fault and beat myself up everyday over it. It wasn't until recently that I have learned that I was not at fault. I have been beating myself up over something that someone else did, taking all the blame. I would hear about abuse victims often feeling like they were the dirty ones and that is why they wouldn't tell anyone about it. But I thought to myself, I really am a bad person. That is why I didn't tell anyone.

So maybe I feel the need to share these things so that someone doesn't make the same mistake I did. Maybe the form of abuse is so subtle that you don't think that you should take any action against it because it will just stir up trouble. You want to be Christ-like and turn the other cheek. I have had all of these thoughts. This article opened my eyes to the ugly truth and now I am so sensitve to any form of it that I feel sick to my stomach whenever I hear it. I sometimes hear spouses do it to each other and I recognize it for what it is now. I can't believe how much it goes on and all in the name of teasing or just being truthful. If it is hurtful, it isn't teasing or fun. Sometimes you might say it in jest, but the person hearing it doesn't know that and takes it as truth and you can never take the effects of that comment back. I have had many experiences like that, things that have affected me for life.

I was given a formula for whether or not something should be said.
In order for you to say something out loud to someone, it must meet two out of three of these criteria.
Is it true?
Is it nice?
Is it necessary?

After I read this I discussed it with my husband and my children and we did a Family Home Evening lesson on it. I keep a copy of it in my journal so that we can constantly be checking ourselves to see if we are doing better. I hope that you can find it useful.

I hope I don't seem like a downer, but there are just some topics you can't laugh at or take lightly and need to be addressed and stopped before the cycle perpetuates. I actually had someone say to me, "You like being mocked, don't you?" And I stopped dead in my tracks. I have taught people that it is okay to mock me because I can "take a joke", but in reality, sometimes it hurts. Or one instance where someone said to me, "but you should just automatically know I love you." So what I'm hearing is, I must look underneath all the garbage and the rude, mean things they say to find the underlying love that is hidden somewhere. That is not how love is supposed to be. I actually thought that if someone was teasing me and giving me a hard time, that must mean they like me. That sounds like kindergarten all over again. Well, if a boy pulls your hair then he must like you. So abuse equals love? CRAZY!

So that brings me to another topic. Change. I have changed. I no longer want to be verbally abused as a form of love. I no longer want to be manipulated. I no longer care about what others think of me. I am no longer so desperate for someone's love that I would let them do what ever they want to me. These changes aren't visible, tangible things that people would be able to look at me and say, "I see I can no longer manipulate Kris." I mean I wish I could wear a sign that says, "I don't tolerate abuse anymore." It would make it so much easier. The thing about change is, there are many people around us that don't like it when we change. Especially those we are closest to because they have gotten into a routine that suits them just fine. If you change, that means the people around you are going to have to change, as well. One example is family. You try to go home and have a nice visit and how many of us fall back into our old routine because our family members have gotten used to treating us a certain way? We oblige to make the visit as nice as possible, with no drama. Or in our marriages. I have seen instances where one spouse tries to change and the other spouse, who is the abuser, goes crazy because they no longer have control over that person and they don't want that change. There are people around you who don't want you to change because it will mean happiness and freedom for you and they are miserable so they can't stand to see that you have overcome your demons and are happy now. These people do everything in their power to bring you back down and put you back into your box. I mean, how dare you try to come out of your shell when they didn't say you could. I have dealt with all of it, all the while telling myself that I will be the peacemaker at the expense of my own self-worth. But I KNOW who I am now and no one is going to ever use me or abuse me again. Now if I hear something abusive towards me, I address it immediately. It isn't always pleasant, believe me. I don't like confrontation, but I also don't like being made to feel stupid or less than I am. If I feel like I am being manipulated, I end the conversation.

Let me know your thoughts on the article. I also felt that it was important that I watch my tongue with my children. How many times do I say something in frustration that maybe is not true or nice or necessary that might break their poor little heart and injure them more than a slap would. So even if you don't think you have to deal with these things in your life, it is just nice to be aware of the different forms and make sure you protect your loved ones from it the best you can. These things were very difficult for me to share. I hope that you all take them in the spirit it was intended and that was to hopefully help people see that they don't have to put up with it and if you have a problem with saying abusive things, you will be able to recognize that it is abuse and try to change it.

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=bbc67cf34f40c010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

Attitude of Gratitude

2010-11-18T11:08:00.006-07:00

I am awestruck by the Savior's grace and mercy and how much he is invested in each one of us. He quietly leads us to places within ourselves and says "what could you be doing better in this area?" He teaches you and then provides an experience for you to learn from. Or he sees that you are struggling and he sends an "angel" to lift you or to say just the thing you needed to hear at that particular moment. They might not even know they are your angel. They are just following a prompting to do or say something, not thinking anything of it.
I have had so many of these experiences through out my life, but I have never been as grateful for them as I am now.
I am so grateful for those people that put themselves in the Lord's hands and are willing to be his instruments. They have lifted me time and again and probably have no idea what they have done for me. I hope one day they will get to see the effect they had on my life. It is so beautiful! It shows how much our Savior truly loves us as individuals. I sometimes think, with all that He has to do and to watch over, how does he have the time to let one person know that they need to call me and share with me.
I had a friend call today. She had no idea what I have been going through. But she just felt the need to open up to me about what she has been going through and it was exactly what I needed to hear. It was not a coincidence. I am so humbled!
It makes me think of President Monson's talk on having an attitude of gratitude. When we start to open our eyes to all of the bounteous blessings around us, our vision expands and then we REALLY start to see, even more than we did before and it blows me away. You start to notice the tiniest little thing that before you might have blown off as just happenstance, but now it is seen for what it is...a huge sign that you are being taken care of, that someone hears and He loves you. And when we acknowledge what He has given us, He will bless us even more.
I just had to share my gratitude. I was overwhelmed by it. You know we read about these things over and over in the scriptures, but until you have truly FELT "to sing the song of redeeming love", you just can't grasp it. It becomes cliche. I hope I never lose the feelings I have been experiencing over the last few months. I hope I can always be grateful even amidst tragedy.
Have a blessed day and be able to recognize it.

A little Secret

2010-11-16T08:31:00.002-07:00

I wanted to thank all of you who have sent me kind messages about my blogging therapy. :0) I have a little secret to share with you. It terrifies me to put myself out there like that. If you only knew how much I "hem" and "haw" over whether or not I should say something or not. I'm worried I will upset someone or you will think I'm crazy. Over the last couple of months I have been changing into a different person. I realized that I have been shutting people out of my life and not sharing my deeper self with anyone because I was afraid that once someone knew the "real" me, they would not love me anymore. I thought I was such a terrible person that no one could love me. I have come to realize that that is not true. It was a real "duh" moment for me. Sad, huh? I'm 34 years old and still feel like a little child inside, scared, afraid, cowering in a corner. But when I realized what I was doing and that it wasn't the best way to go about life, I decided then and there to change. I am reaching out to people. It still scares me to death, but the kind words from you have given me strength to keep at it.

It is easier doing it through blogging because I don't know how it affects people and I can't see your face. I am trying to work my way up to doing it more in person. This is very daunting for me. I can't even tell you the emotional turmoil it causes. My natural instinct is to hole up in my house and not talk to anyone. I wish I could just raise my kids and never interact with a single soul. I have to fight this instinct every day of my life. And I do. I attend my book club, I go play volleyball, I go to church, I sing in front of people, I tell people how much they mean to me, all of it scaring me to the point that sometimes my hands and knees shake. I probably have some sort of anxiety disorder, but I am fighting it. People are usually shocked to hear that I have to struggle with this every day because I seem like such a confident person. It just reminds me that I can never judge anyone by their outside appearance. If I struggle with this and no one knows, I often wonder about what others are going through that I just don't know. I feel compassion for everyone I meet and try to get to know their story and who they really are. I try to help them feel that I love them for who they are and that they never need to put on a show with me. It kind of makes me hypocritical because I am scared to show who I really am. But I am working on it.

I realize that we train people how to treat us and I have trained everyone around me to keep their distance. How do I undo that? I have had to really step outside of my comfort zone and make an effort to let people know that I am ready to let them in. It will probably take some time. There are some that have already welcomed me with open arms like they have just been waiting for me. The Savior has been one of those people. He has just been waiting for me to come to Him and let Him heal me from all of my baggage. It opened my eyes to what the scriptures Matthew 11:28-30 are telling us.

"Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

So that is what I am doing. I take all of my uneasiness and anxiety and I lay it at the Lord's feet, I ask Him what he would have me do and He whispers it to me through the Holy Ghost, then I do it. No questions asked. I take up His yoke and it is easier and lighter because I know that if I am doing what the Savior wants me to do, it must be right and that brings me peace, or rest. I know that no matter what happens, it will be for my good. It isn't as easy as it sounds, my natural self still fights it sometimes, but I am gaining more faith and I just need more practice until it becomes natural to me. I hope all of you will bear with me as I strive to grow. My goal in this life is to be more understanding of people and the personal struggles they are facing and to help lift them when I can. I am grateful for those that have done this for me.
Thank you for letting me share with you.

Letting Go

2010-11-10T14:49:00.005-07:00

I have always loved this picture of Alan and I. I have been thinking back to the morning I found out that Alan had been killed. I just need to share and acknowledge an amazing miracle that happened that morning. The Sherriff that came by to tell us didn't even know that Alan lived here. Out of everything he had in his car, nothing told the cops who to contact or where he lived except one thing. They found some dog tags with our address on it. That address is all they had to go on because he didn't have his drivers license. They found us, not knowing what they were going to find, and we were able to tell them he lived here and who he was. I have been thinking about those dog tags. Alan had only lived here for a little less than three months and as far as I knew, he wasn't planning on living here forever. So why did he have the dog tags made up with our address on them? Out of everything that was in his car and all the things that had been scattered out on the road, how did they find these dog tags? Where and when did he have them made? And most interesting, where are they now? The Sherriff didn't give them to us. We did get a set of dog tags from when he was in the Army back when he graduated HS, but of course our address wasn't on them. So how? I know that it was Heavenly Father's way of letting us know what had happened so that we didn't worry and have to put out a missing person's report or wonder where he was. It was a huge blessing and a miracle. I hope that when we pass to the other side, we will be able to see our life with the veil drawn back that will allow us to see how much divine intervention was put forth on our behalf. I think we will be shocked to see how many times we were saved or protected or strengthened.

Alan left quite a wake of unfinished business for us to deal with. Law suits, credit collectors, an amazing amount of debt and his cat. :0) I have thought about what my choices are in dealing with all of this. And I have just decided to let it all go. I could waste time and energy on dealing with the things that were important in his life, but in the grand eternal scheme of things, none of it really matters. So we will inform the credit agencies that they are never going to get their money, but I am not going to fight his lawsuit battle for him. I'm not going to find his cat that somehow escaped while we were gone. I'm not going to worry about how the accident happened and if there was foul play. God will sort that out in his own due time. None of it will bring him back. At first I felt like a bad sister. But then I realized that it would just bring me anger and turmoil and not peace and forgiveness. My time and energy is better spent on taking care of my children and my amazing husband.

Yesterday, I was pondering about why Heavenly Father brought Alan into my life when I was going through the toughest emotional ordeal and the lowest point in my life. I was lower than dust and didn't even know who I was. I couldn't eat and had little to no energy. This is when Alan stepped into my world. I hope that someday I will be able to see why the timing was necessary for him. I know how it was necessary for me. I was down in the pantry, getting crackers, and I said out loud, "I'm so sorry that I was not able to reach out to you like I wanted to because I was such a mess," and the most amazing thing happened. I felt his arms surround me and give me a big hug, I felt the most amazing love wash over me, and I heard the words, "It is okay." I started crying. Now you, the reader, can question my sanity at this point or say that maybe I just wanted it so badly that I thought that is what I felt, but I know that I have never felt anything like that before or so strongly that it moved me so deeply. Even if it wasn't "real", it felt wonderful and brought me comfort and so I am thankful for that experience. It is what allowed me to finally let go and say good-bye. I will still miss him, I will still cry when something reminds me of him, but I am now ready to move on.

Thank you for sharing this journey with me. I hope that it touched some of you and let you know that you aren't alone in some of your thoughts and feelings. I hope it allowed you to see the day to day miracles that happen in our lives.
I will now get back to regularly scheduled programming, or in other words, the mundane happenings called Life.

Alan's photography

2010-11-06T12:18:00.011-06:00

Some of these were taken with Al's cell phone. Pretty amazing. I told him he should go into photography. :0)

The next 5 pics were taken at the Red Rocks Amphitheater

Colorado Sunset

Sunset at the Webster's BBQ

Colorado storm clouds rolling in.
As seen from our deck. He thought that was pretty cool.

To My Mom

2010-11-06T10:53:00.008-06:00

I hope that by expressing myself about past hurts and pain that I haven't hurt you in any way. I want you to know that I love you dearly. The thing I am learning is that everyone has their own personal struggles and things they are working through. Isn't that what life is all about? We are here to learn and grow from them and it is our trials that bring us closer to the Lord. I have learned to ask myself "what am I supposed to learn from this?" Not "why did this happen to me?" I am thankful for every trial I have been through. It has formed me into who I am today. I have often thought that if it weren't for the dark times, we wouldn't be able to appreciate the Light. The Light shines that much brighter when we come out of the dark and we turn to the Light that much more.

Please don't beat yourself up for things you did or didn't do. The beauty of the Gospel is that we have our free agency to chose if we will be happy or miserable. The more we trust in the Lord, the easier it is to be happy. He also bore our pain and our sorrows and knows exactly what we are going through. If we feel the inner yearnings to change, he will help us and is just waiting for us to ask for his help!

I have been thinking about all of the beautiful things you have brought into my life. First and foremost, you had me at a time when you were coming back to the church. That has been the biggest blessing of all in my life. I can't even imagine where I would be if you hadn't had the courage to make that change and come back. You also had the courage to get out of some bad marriages and you found Dad. It was painful to feel cast aside by fathers who were supposed to love me and take care of me, but I know it was for the best. I am grateful every day of my life that I have Richard as my father. You brought music into my life. You used to sing me songs all the time. I didn't make it easy for you with requests like "Handel's Messiah, the Hallelujah Chorus". LOL Music has been another huge blessing in my life. You also taught me how to be a hard worker and how to clean those corners! :0) Through the years you have provided me with many self help books in an effort to help me, and I love that about you! I am definitely a better person because you have been my mother. You are such a beautiful angel to me. I hope you know that and never doubt it! I'm sure my kids will have lots of issues with how I raised them, but we are doing the best we can, aren't we. :0) And Heavenly Father will be there to help them work through the things that I was lacking in. And so it goes....

I don't want you to think I blame you or harbor any anger towards you in any way. Through the atonement, we are healed and our very natures are changed. It is so blessedly WONDERFUL! Don't worry about Alan. If Heavenly Father has been so mindful of us and our needs, I know that he has done the same for Alan. He will be okay.

I just didn't want anyone to think that I have been whining and feeling sorry for myself. I feel abundantly blessed and I am full of Joy. The people I have been blessed with to be my friends are so amazing. Words cannot express how much love you have brought into my life at a very dark time, when I needed it the most. Family has been another great blessing, even family I have never met or don't know very well. I have come to realize that the relationships we form in this life are what sustain us and the things we will treasure once we are called home.

Man, I am such a sap! But I needed to express my gratitude, even for this trial because through it I have been set free from chains I had forged. I am now ready to move on and soar. Break free from your chains and lay them at the Savior's feet.

I love you, Mommy. I hope you know it and now everyone who reads this blog will know it, too :0)

Love,

Kris

A Tale of Two Brothers

2010-11-04T09:17:00.011-06:00

First of all, can I just say I love my Heavenly Father and believe that all things are for our good, but my first question to Him is going to be, "What is up with PMS?" It takes our emotions and magnifies them x100! I guess the one bonus is it keeps me humble. I know I have to turn to him more than ever during those times. Yesterday I was so emotional. I just sat and balled and balled and then Rob came home and I balled and balled. Poor guy. I have to say he is amazing. He has been so supportive and willing to do anything to help out my parents and me. He has been my rock, especially over the last couple of months. I will have to make it up to him somehow.

So with the death of Alan, my thoughts have naturally turned to the death of my other brother, Ricky. Ricky and I were only siblings on this earth for a short time, 9 months. He and I were thrown together in a blended family. He was the oldest in his family and I was the oldest in my family. Both of us shouldered a lot of responsibility at a young age. We both watched over our younger siblings and cared for them. When we first met, he was not very nice to me. I in turn would try to make his life miserable. Did he think I was happy about all of a sudden being the middle child? Then I don't know what happened, but one day we were good friends. He really took me under his wing. He would let me hang out in his room and listen to Ratt or Cinderella (popular bands at the time). You couldnt help but love Ricky. He had the best sense of humor! One day we were making dinner and he stuck the raw chicken on his hand and started attacking the kids with it, singing, "Attack of the killer chicken!" He would make the mundane task of washing dishes fun. I loved washing dishes with him and to this day I still love washing dishes. He was also very talented. He would draw pictures and write stories. I wanted to be just like him. We would try to do fun things for the kids. We pulled together a New Year's party. He would let me ride in his car with him. I was only 11 at the time, but he treated me like his equal. One day we were driving around Burley and we saw this sign for free kittens, so we decided to pick one up for the kids. We brought it home and our dad made us take it back. I was so bummed. One night I fell down the stairs. It was a new house and the stairs were steep. He came out and said, "Are you dead?" I was crying, but that made me laugh. I had found someone that understood me and was watching out for me. But I was also there for him. I remember he would get uspet about something, as teenagers do. He would go sit in his car and turn up the music. I would find him and sit in his car with him and listen to him vent. I wanted him to know that I understood and I cared. Then he was taken. I didn't feel like I had a right to grieve for him because we didn't know each other that long. I buried my grief. But deep down I was very upset that Heavenly father had taken him from me. I understood it was his time to go, but I was upset that he got to move on and had left me behind to deal with everything on my own. That is when my Anerexia started. I was trying to starve myself to death. First of all to see if anyone would even care, second of all because I wanted to die. It took a lot of well placed people in my life to help get me through that time. My grief has shown up in little ways throughout my life. I have always been looking for a brotherly relationship to replace the one I lost, someone that could make me laugh, got my sense of humor and someone that made me feel like they were watching out for me.

With Alan, I have been protecting him and looking out for him my whole life. He was a rambunxious child, to say the least. Very angry, very active. I used to sit on him and beat him into submission. But No One else was allowed to hurt him. There was this kid named Gentry. He bullied Alan bad. One day at recess I got in his face and told him if he ever touched my brother again, I would beat the living snot out of him. He was a big kid. I can't believe I did it, but he never touched Al again. One time Al got thrown in the trash can by some HS boys when he was in Junior High. I told them off, even knowing that he probably egged it on. I have said many prayers and fasted many times for him. One day a few years ago, I had the sudden thought that he was going to kill himself. I was frantic. I tried calling him and he wouldn't answer. I didn't know what to do. I was in Minnesota and he was in Wisconsin. So I don't know why, but I called the mission office in Wisconsin and just asked them if they could send some missionaries over to his house to knock on the door. I just needed something to interrupt him. Amazingly, they did as I asked. He was very upset about it. He thought my mom had sent them over to try to convert him. :0) Later, I found out that he had tried to kill himself. When he went on his rampage to try to "open my eyes" to the truth about the church, I listened to him and tried to explain that it was my choice to be active in the church. He thought I was doing it because I was trying to please my mom. He thought Rob was making me have all of these children. He wanted to save me. I truly appreciated that he was doing it out of love for me. He wanted me to be "free" like he was free. But he wasn't happy. I tried to tell him that I was happy and loved my life. It had all been my decision. He was pretty upset and we ended the conversation on a bad note. He called my husband bad names. That was right after we moved to Colorado. He then distanced himself from the family further. But I always prayed for him and asked that his heart would be softened, that he would know that I loved him no matter what. He came out for our family reunion a couple of years ago. That was a big deal for him and us. He talked to my dad and hung out with my brothers. I was wary of him because I didn't know how he felt about me. We didn't really talk, but I gave him a big hug. Then he started sending me messages about how he wanted to write music with me. He sent me a song that he had done and wanted me to write a melody line for it. I was so excited. I wish I had had more time to work on it. I was homeschooling the kids and teaching piano. There just wasn't time. Then one night at the beginning of this year, he said hi to me through chat on FB. I asked him how he was doing and he said not so good. I knew something was wrong. I told him to call me immediately. He didn't answer so I called him. He was crying so badly he couldn't even talk. I just waited for him to calm down and my heart was breaking for him. How could I help him see how to be happy? We had both been through a lot of crap as children. We both felt unwanted, unloved, and we didn't love ourselves. But he had harbored all that pain until it had consumed him and made him bitter. I had dealt with it the best I could and tried to focus on my children. He said he didn't know what he had to live for. I tried to get him to talk about his goals, what he wanted to be, what he wanted to accomplish. He said he just didn't have the motivation to change. He knew he needed to but didn't know how or if he even wanted to. I tried to get him laughing. I don't know if I did much good, but he didn't harm himself. Then I found out that he was going to be homeless. I told him that he had a home with me whenever he needed it. He never needed to ask. He considered moving in with my parents, but situations arose where it wouldn't have been a good idea. So I was his last resort. I told him I was so excited that he was moving in with us. I warned him about the kids. :0) Right at the last minute he said he might not have to because he had a job interview. But it fell through. He came here. He would come out sometimes and read the scriptures with the family and help the little kids read. He would sit with us while we had family prayer. He would join us for dinner every night. We always made him feel welcome and made sure he had a chair at the table. He took lots of pictures of the beauty here in CO. I know he loved it here. He would come with me to play volleyball every once in a while. We would get tacoes and sit in the parking lot and talk until 1 or 2 in the morning. Almost every night he would pop himself two batches of popcorn and take it to his room and eat it all. He would also get his ice water. I will miss the sound of the grinding ice in the middle of the night and the smell of popcorn. We would bring up some ice cream and stick it in the freezer and over the next couple of days it was gone. LOL Or if you left Oreos in the pantry, they disappeared. The thing about Al was, I loved him dearly, but he didn't make it easy to love him. He distanced himself, he was ornery to my kids. One time he started yelling at them because he thought the twins were trying to poison his cat. They had put soap in the cats water or something. The cat threw up all over my basement. I just quietly cleaned it up. He took the cat to live in his room after that. I hope that he could see that I just loved him for who he was. That I accepted him. One time he came out and told me that he thought Rob was a great guy. He respected him and saw that he was a hard worker. He told me he wanted to be more like that. That meant everything to me because of our earlier argument.
The difference between Ricky's death and Alan's death is that I am opening up about my grief this time. Everyone grieves differently and some people are probably like, get over it already. But it is hard to let go of someone you have watched over your whole life. Again, I have lost someone who knew what I was suffering because he was suffering in the same ways. I feel lost. I am glad that he is being taken care of by loved ones on the other side. I am just having a hard time letting him go. I wanted to do so much more.

I feel like I am reliving the grief from Ricky's death at the same time I am mourning Alan's death. Maybe that is good. I can get it out and get it taken care of finally. I can completely be healed from everything I have been carrying with me. Heavenly Father knows what He is doing.

I am feeling better today. I cleaned the house, ate some breakfast and got a shower by 9AM this morning. That is pretty darn good for me. I just had to get this all out. I realized yesterday why I was feeling so unsettled. I took care of it today and will hopefully get some closure from it.

Thanks for letting me vent. Not that anyone really reads everything I write. LOL But it sure does ME some good!

A good memory

2010-11-03T10:29:00.008-06:00

This was a very good day. It was shortly after Alan had moved here. The Websters were having a BBQ at their house. They are a couple in my ward and their BBQ's are World famous. :0) I had invited Alan even though I was afraid he would say no because it would have a lot of LDS people there and the missionaries. He came, though. Sister Webster came right up to him and gave him a big hug. That meant a lot to me, that she was so welcoming and loving to him just because he was my brother. Alan and I hung out the entire time. We played ping pong and then went outside and played some other games. It was like we were kids again and all the arguing and bad memories of our childhood were gone. We didn't talk very much, but we didn't have to. We were just content to spend time with each other. At the end, we found Alan taking pictures in the Webster's yard. This was one of the pictures he took. Isn't it gorgeous? I think I will print it and hang it on my wall.

Today is a very hard day for me. I feel so unsettled somehow. I don't want to talk to anyone. I am feeling very anti-social for some reason. I did get up this morning and got the kids off to school with a family prayer. I cleaned the house and then I just sat and played the piano and sang uplifting songs, but I still feel very uneasy. I know it will take time, but I don't want to waste anymore time. The last couple of months I have been changing and becoming a new person. I am anxious to move on with my life and use my new found skills and become what Heavenly Father wants me to be. I guess I am just very impatient. You would think that I would have tons of patience, what with having 9 kids and all. Maybe that is why God sent me so many kids, to teach me patience. Please don't send anymore! I Promise I will learn from the ones you have given me....

Sorry, a little inner dialogue there.

Going to go cry in the shower now.

AFTER SHOWER:

Kids have a funny way of bringing you back to reality more abruptly than you would like sometimes. I'm having a rough day and Ty decides it would be a good idea to dump BBQ sauce all over my carpet. I clean that up as best I can. Then Parker says Ty spilled shampoo all over the carpet. He tried to clean it up but it was pretty soapy. I grab the carpet steamer and suck up all the soapy, bubbly goodness that smells like strawberry shampoo. I have 15 minutes to get the kids lunch and get Parker to school. While I'm finishing cleaning, Ty grabs the potato pearls and dumps them in a nice little pile on my carpet. Okay, clean it up and now I have 5 minutes to make lunch! I quickly get them food and take the carpet cleaner over to the BBQ mess. Might as well get it really clean while I have it out. Quickly clean , throw the rest of the kids' lunch in a ziploc baggie, throw the kids in the van and away we go! No time to pout and feel sorry for myself. On the way home, I thought it would be a good idea to check out the accident site. I will have to pass it everyday, twice a day for the rest of my life, probably. So I wanted to see. Not the best idea I've had, but I found Al's pen, so that proves that it was the spot. I also found other things that I will have to burn from my mind. Something about the accident is eating at me. I want to get the accident report. I need to know what their conclusions are about how it happened. Maybe it is just my mind trying to find closure, but I have just been restless all day. Hopefully once I know, I can put it to rest.

One thing we are doing is grief therapy with the kids. We decided to write Alan some good-bye letters and then shred them and dig a hole. We are going to put the letters in the hole and plant a tree in it. That way we will always have something beautiful to help us remember the good things about Alan. I want to plant a weeping willow that will eventually get big and provide us with a nice shady spot to sit under. Is that cheesy? Oh, well. I'm finding I am very sentimental.

Beautiful Funeral

2010-11-02T10:34:00.004-06:00

The trip up to Idaho was very windy. There was a strong head wind which slowed us down a little. I was worried about us transporting Al's body by ourselves. But there were no mishaps. It made me think of the movie "Weekend at Bernies". I'm thankful our trip was not that adventurous.....
We stayed in a hotel so that the kids would get some sleep and so that our family could have quiet time if we needed. Teresa and Randy flew in from Wisconsin. It was a lot of fun to have them there. I haven't seen Randy in a long time. I love his sense of humor and laugh. Teresa is also a riot. We were getting the kids ready for a Halloween party out at our old church in View since we missed it here in Parker and Teresa decided to try on her sons outfit. Apprently she found an old cowboy costume in Alan's things that she had stored at her house. It fit her son pefectly so she used it. Rob got a picture and posted it on FB. :0) Against her wishes, I might add. LOL
I felt pretty numb the whole time. I wasn't emotional. I wasn't anything. I was trying to enjoy the time with the family. We took my mom shopping for a new dress and it almost felt normal until I remembered what the dress was for. We had some good talks, though.
Saturday morning, the day of the funeral, I woke up to dark , dreary, cold clouds. It was heavily overcast. On the drive to the View church I prayed that if it was possible that the sun come out for at least the time we were outside for the dedication of the gravesite. I looked for any opening in the clouds wondering if there was sun anywhere. We went inside for the funeral. I was pleasantly surprised to see so many family members that had made the long trip to be there. There were also friends from long ago that came. People from our old ward in View came. Rob's brother and sister and my father-in-law came, as well. That meant a lot to me. It was so good to see everyone.
My mom gave the life sketch and we laughed at some of the things Alan had done. He was one who lived without fear. LOL I was reminded of the time he graduated from HS and after he got his diploma he did a backflip in his robe. That was totally Alan. :0) My dad got up and told us how much he loved Alan. He told some experiences he had with him. He said that he wanted all of his kids with him in the Celestial Kingdom. Even if it meant he had to go to hell to get one of us. He said, "You better believe I'm comin' for you." Emi read her poem and was so nervous but she did it. I sang a song for Alan. At first I was going to sing "Come Thou Fount" but I thought it might be too churchy for Al. The lyrics of this other song kept going over and over in my head and I knew that I had to sing it. It described Alan perfectly. The Lyrics are as follows:

Love Will Find You There

No one left to fool. Every wall you've built is gone.

You don't know what to do to get off the path you're on.

You are questioning the very truths you've believed in all along.

Looking back on how it used to be, you wonder what went wrong.

But deep inside your heart there is a prayer.

Love will find you there.

Living with the pain from the choices you have made.

Knowing how to change, but believing it's too late.

Every path you take convinces you that you don't know who you are.

But a voice inside is telling you, you've never gone too far.

Whispering a promise of a prayer,

Love will find you there.

There's a broken heart that's healing.

There's a life that has been changed.

There are answers to the prayers that you have prayed.

When you're sure your soul can't make it one more day,

love will find you there and light your way.

One who knows your heart and sees what you can't see

has been there from the start and believes in what you'll be.

He will shine a light through every darkest field you'll ever know.

His arms are reaching out to you through the ones that love you so.

He will hear your heart's unspoken prayer that

love will find you there.

Love will find you.

Then my Uncle Mark gave a talk and the kids sang "I am a child of God." The Bishop of that ward spoke a little and gave us peace. He also talked about free agency. Also Teresa and Bob and I got up and told some of our memories. Spring had sent us an email with her memories and I talked Teresa into getting up to read it. She wasn't going to go up at all, but she did and she did great. It was a great funeral as far as funerals go.
We headed outside and I was so happy to see that a part had opened up right above the mountain for the sun to shine through! My prayer had been answered. We went to the cemetary. It was warmer with the sun shining. My husband dedicated the grave site. My mom was handed a United States flag for service rendered in the Army. Everyone came up and hugged my parents. As soon as we were done, the clouds closed up again and it started to rain. Another tender mercy from my loving Heavenly Father.
We went back to the church and had a wonderful lunch prepared for us. We talked with family and friends we hadn't seen for a long time.
Now we are home again. Coming home was a huge dose of reality. Last night I was very sad and cried. Even with everything I know, it still isn't easy. I mourn that he lived such a sad and troubled life. I mourn the time we all lost with him because he distanced himself from the family. I am going to continue to pray for him even though he is on the other side. I pray that he will find the peace and happiness that he couldn't find here.
I need to say "Thank You!" to everyone that has reached out to me, to everyone that has helped take care of my kids and the pets, to everyone that has told me memories of Alan. I am so blessed to know so many amazing people!
BLOGGING is cheap therapy. :0)

Stunned

2010-10-26T23:44:00.005-06:00

Today was a hard day. These are the pictures we took of Al's car. He was obviously killed instantly. He was also thrown from the vehicle. We were able to see his body today, as well. They prepared us extensively before we saw him that the damage to his body was very bad. They were not able to make him look like himself, but they were able to put his face somewhat back together. Depsite that, I knew that I had to see him for the closure it would provide me. It will be a closed-casket funeral but we are getting a very nice picture to put up of him, the one that I used for his obituary. As we were viewing his body, I did not feel his presence at all. I did feel that he was very upset that we were seeing him in that shape. Most times, at funerals, I will get the feeling that the spirit is standing close by. Not with Al. I did feel his presence when we went to see the car. I cried because I felt that he was upset that his most prized possessions, the things he had saved throughout the years, his memories, were going to be discarded. We weren't able to get much out due to the condition of the car, but we did find some great things he had saved. We are going to use some of them as a tribute at the funeral.

I have been feeling that I want to take very good care of him during this process. I wanted him to be dressed in some nice clothes even though no one will see him. So we went and bought a white shirt, tie and some dress pants. I wanted the funeral to be special. I am singing a song for him. While he lived with me, he would sometimes come out and listen to me play the piano and sing, so even though it will be very difficult, I want to sing for him. I want him to see that we loved him in life and in death. I want him to know that he was just as important as everyone else. That his actions in life didn't make him any less or any less deserving of our love and respect.

We are leaving tomorrow to transport his body to Idaho. I won't be back until next Tuesday. I will share more as time allows and as I feel the need to help me deal with this loss. I was told today by someone very dear to Al that he had a special place in his heart for me, that he loved me very much. I needed to hear that. It means more to me than they will ever know, because he couldn't say it to me, but he said it to someone and that means alot to me.

Alan Grout Obituary

2010-10-25T20:01:00.001-06:00

Alan Roger Grout, 33, passed away as the result of a car accident in Parker, CO in the early hours of the morning on Sunday, October 24, 2010. He was born in Nampa, ID on July 17,1977 at a birthing center instead of a hospital.

Alan lived in View, (a small community outside of Burley) ID where he attended school in Delco until 1991. He moved with his family to East Troy, WI and graduated from East Troy High School in 1995. He participated in the wrestling program for a short time in high school. He loved to water-ski and was a natural at the sport. The first time he tried it he went off the dock and went around and around without falling, so his father stopped the boat so Alan would get his hair wet. He went into the military shortly after graduating and specialized in electronics. He loved music and spent many hours playing his guitar and writing his own songs. He enjoyed creating electronic music on his computer and was planning on doing it professionally.

Alan lived in Middleton, WI, which is a suburb of Madison, for most of his adult life and recently moved to Parker, CO, with his cat Monkey, looking for work. At the time of his death he was living with his sister Kristina and her family. He loved playing with Kris’ 9 children and had a passion for ice cream and popcorn. He also loved the Colorado scenery and took many pictures of the beauty around him.

Alan is survived by his parents, Richard & Verdella Grout, Driggs, ID, and six siblings: Robert and Jenny Grout of Hansen, ID, Kristina and Robert Tolman of Parker, CO, Ryan Grout of Driggs, ID, Teresa and Adam Wehrheim of Waukesha, WI, Randy Grout of Pewaukee, WI, and Spring and Lars Shurilla, currently living in the People’s Republic of China. He had 15 nieces and nephews. He was preceded in death by an older brother, Ricky Grout, and his grandparents, Verdas and Bardella Reed and Kenneth and Louise Grout.

Funeral services will be held at 11:00AM Saturday, October 30, 2010 at the View LDS Ward building located at 554 S 490 E. The family will receive friends beginning at 9:00AM prior to the funeral service. Burial will be at the View Cemetery.

Emi's song

2010-10-25T15:04:00.006-06:00

My daughter had written a song a few days before Alan died. She was so excited to share it with me. I didn't think much about it until today when I stopped to really read it. She is 11. I thought I would share it with you.

Would I?

By Emilyssa Nicole Tolman

Vs.1: If I were to ascend this very second, would I get in?

If He were to take me up, what would I do?

Would he take me up, that is my question, but

The bigger one is

Chorus: Would I be holy enough to look up?

Would I tremble in His presence?

Would I feel fear if He was present?

Would I be worthy to get the glory that might come,

If I were to go this very second?

Vs. 2: Would I be able to look up when he said your time is up?

Would I make it?

Would I be worthy?

Would I be holy?

Would I cower in His presence or would I stand tall?

If He were present would He look down at me and say

"Good job. You've made it to me."

Or would I hide my face too ashamed to say anything or

Chorus

Would I be worthy enough?

Dealing With Heartache

2010-10-25T08:37:00.008-06:00

Life never ceases to amaze me. You think you are doing great and starting to figure it out and then...Life does it's own thing. Fortunately, I have the knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father and our Savior. I have been struggling with so many things. I started seeing a counselor in September to help me work through some of my past issues that I had buried deep inside of me. These things were holding me back. I was using them to beat myself up which was leading to self-loathing. In July I started waking up sick every morning. See post below for the health problems. It has been difficult to eat and have the energy I need to accomplish all that I have to. Things were starting to get better. I have become stronger mentally and overcome so much over the last few weeks, with the help of the Savior. I had been feeling a little better and had been able to eat 1000 calories a day. Then the final blow. My dear brother, Alan, who had moved in with us, dies two miles from my house.
Alan and I shared a unique bond. He was my only FULL blood brother. I love ALL of the people I am blessed enough to call my family, but I felt very protective of him. He and I shared so many of the same trials in our childhood. We both suffered from self-loathing and not feeling loved or wanted or even worthy of love. He turned away from the gospel, I clung onto it for dear life. We were just starting to get to know each other again. But I was too wrapped up in my own little world trying to deal with all of my baggage. I didn't reach out to him the way I wanted to. Sometimes we would have deep discussions about life. He knew he had so many things to resolve but I don't know if he knew where to start. He was happy I was getting professional help and told me to let him know what I learned. Last week I felt like I needed to prepare for a tough week. I started making freezer meals just in case, so I would have dinner on hand if needed. I felt that I needed to sit down and talk with Alan and let him know that I loved him and wanted to help him. I was going to take him out to dinner Friday night to just talk and find out what his goals were. Rob and I decided against it, thinking that it would be better for Al and I to talk alone. I was scared to do it by myself. I was scared to say something that would upset him and cause him to not love me anymore. So I put it off until Sunday night. Sunday morning came and he was gone. The old me would be beating myself up over the fact the the Spirit promtped me to talk to him. I could have made sure he knew that I loved him and given him one last hug. But I didn't and I will be sorry about it forever, but life must go on.
We got a visit from the Sheriff at 5AM Sunday morning. He didn't even know that Alan lived here, he just had an address that he found in Al's car. Rob answered the door. He thought Al was locked out. Then the news. I was very distraught. I wanted to go see his body. We called the coroner and he advised against it. Alan was not in good shape. It is hard to not get that closure right away. As we started going through Alan's things, we felt like any minute he was going to walk in and get after us for being in his room.
We didn't tell the children right away. They had a Primary Program that they had to sing in and they had been working hard on their parts. So we went to church. It was hard for me to keep it together. I knew it would be with the Spirit so strong around me. We had to pass by the scene of the accident on the way to church and that didn't help. But I was so very blessed because I went. I talked to my Bishop for an hour and he gave me a blessing. I received so much comfort and peace from it.
I now know that Alan will be able to heal on the other side in a way that COULD NOT happen here. There he is surrounded by so many that love him. The Bishop told me that Alan knew I loved him and that he appreciated all that I had done for him. That one thing was exactly the thing I was upset about. That I didn't tell him. But now I knew. I have felt him close by me. He is happy and at peace. I know that he will have to work through a lot of things he did in this life, but I know that he will accept the Gospel on the other side. I have spent many hours and days fasting and praying for him. This was the Lord's answer.
The funny thing about all of this is that he didn't feel loved and yet he had SO many that loved him. He just didn't realize it. That is an eye opener for me....through this so many have reached out to comfort me and now I see that there are so many people that love me, too. I have been living my life in fear of losing people's love or people not loving me but not anymore. I can learn from this experience.
Sorry if this is jumping all over the place. It is just my thoughts bouncing around my head and I'm trying to get it all down.
I received a message from someone who knew Alan on FB. She told me that she loved him so much but lives in South Africa. She was upset by the news. She had been talking to Al for over a year and they had helped each other through depression and thoughts of suicide. I told her what had happened. She told me that Alan had been worried about me over the last couple of weeks. He said I was too thin and he thought I was depressed. Side note, I wasn't depressed, just soul-searching. I cried to hear that and then laughed because we both were worried about each other but both afraid to approach each other and talk. LESSON LEARNED! Don't waste the time you have with your loved ones!!!! When I feel love or appreciation for someone, I am going to make sure that they know it.
We were able to get into Al's email account and found that he went out the night he died with a girl here in Colorado. She was supposed to meet with him the next day, but he never showed. We sent her a message and she called and asked for Alan. I had to tell her the terrible news. She had only been out with him a few times, but she was very upset. I wish he had known the affect he had on people. They loved him for who he was. He was a good person with a big heart, but so scared of being hurt. One more way that we were alike.
I also received a message from another guy on FB saying that he had been spending most of the day trying to find someone from Al's family. It turns out that he had driven by the accident scene last night and there were picures and papers thrown all over the road. He gathered them and wanted to get them to the family. He had pieced together what info he had and found us on FB. That meant so much to me. The kindness of a total stranger.
I know that Heavenly Father has a plan and nothing is left to chance. If we put our faith in him, we can be blessed and be at peace with whatever happens. I sincerely believe this with my whole heart! The last couple of months have taught me this. I have seen his hand working miracles in my everyday life. It amazes me at the love and tenderness he showers on all of us each day if we just open our eyes to see it.
We are burying Alan next to my other brother who died in a car accident, Ricky, in View cemetary which is in Burley, ID. The next few days are going to be rough as we have to transport his body there. I know it will all work out and there will be many blessings along the way, but it doesn't mean that it is easy.
Alan and I both had a love for music and for the beauty that surrounds us. He wanted me to write some music with him. Sadly, I was too busy. He took so many beautiful pictures which I will share on my blog as a tribute to a kind, loving, but troubled man. I will also share some of the writings that we found when we went through his things. I hope he won't mind. It does make one stop and think about what others will find when you pass away....what am I leaving behind for my children and loved ones that will allow a glimpse of who I really am? Food for thought.

UPDATE

2010-09-29T13:14:00.002-06:00

So all my test restults came back normal. Oh Joy. I'm perfectly healthy except that I can't eat and I vomit almost every morning and sometimes at night. Now the doctor wants me to try a medicine for acid reflux. So we'll see if that helps. I am now down to 128lbs. When I do feel hungry I try to eat as much as I can, which isn't much. I asked the doctor if I could have a colonoscopy because polyps run in the family. She wasn't very on board with that saying that polyps wouldn't cause those kinds of symptoms. Yeah, maybe in most people, but couldn't it just be possible that it might in me? I also asked if I could have a pap done. She said, sure but not right now. So I'm thinking it is time to try another doctor or she could just wait until I'm so emaciated and dehydrated that THEN she could treat me for that and feel like she did something to help. DOCTORS! Love them, but could you please think outside the box sometimes? TO BE CONTINUED......

Wanna Play Doctor?

2010-09-23T09:37:00.002-06:00

So for the last few months, I have been waking up every morning sick to my stomach. I have been fatigued, bruising easily, light headed, and now the nausea has gotten so bad that I haven't been able to eat more than 500 calories a day. Also, my periods have been wonky over the last couple years, but last month I had a period every two weeks. Sorry to get graphic here, but the periods are VERY clotty, too. At first I thought I might be pregnant and even took a few pregnancy tests, but no, and thank goodness because how would I explain THAT one to my hubby that got snipped... It isn't low iron; I take vitamins every day including extra iron. I went to the doctor thinking it was mono back in July, but tested negative. The nausea continued so I went back last week and the doctor did an ultrasound and they found a cyst on my ovary. They said it is common and not to worry, but with the periods being weird for over a year I wonder how long it has been there? I thought the weird periods were because of the IUD which is when Rob got snipped so I could take it out, but no IUD and even weirder periods. Is this TMI? I just don't have any faith in doctors. They make educated guesses and prescribe medicine to help the symptoms, but not get to the problem. In fact the doctor I saw gave me a prescrip for an anti-nausea medicine that isn't working. They did some blood tests and so forth and I haven't heard back at all even though I called to get the results. So here I sit, sick to my stomach and wanting to die because it is no fun feeling like you have the flu for over two months. My body is weak from lack of eating and I've lost a lot of weight. Good times. One other thing. I have been sweating pretty badly from my armpits even though I am cold most of the time. It is very weird. So any ideas? I thought it would be fun to take you along on this fun little journey to see "What is wrong with Kris Tolman,", and let's not get analytical about what is wrong with me mentally. Only physically. Let's cross our fingers and hope it is something NOT serious. Plus I just have this thing that if you tell someone you are dying, it usually turns out to be nothing because fate likes to prove you wrong. :) Update coming soon, but I would like to hear your thoughts....

Long overdue update

2010-07-28T08:58:00.003-06:00

Well, so much has happened over the summer that I don't even think to blog about it cuz no one really cares I'm sure....

First of all I injured my ankle playing volleyball and I'm still recovering from that so I haven't been able to take the kids swimming like I was planning. I also made the decision to take a break from teaching piano for a while to focus on my kiddos. This was a very hard decision for me, but I feel like it will be the best decision. We are still homeschooling our kids this year and I need to be able to give them my full attention!

Then Rob injured his knee playing basketball and tore his ACL so he needs surgery. But before he gets surgery he is going on a 10 mile hike up into the mountain with the scouts!!! MEN!

We went to the Tolman Family Reunion in Idaho and that was nice to see all of the family we don't get to see very often. We also visited Rob's mom in the nursing home. Then went down to Utah to visit Lori and her family and Phee. That is always a good time. :0)

Rob and I celebrated our 14 year Anniversary on the 26th. Where did the time go??? How did I end up with 9 kids and the oldest being a teenager!? I'm too young for that....

MY SUMMER IN A NUTSHELL...but we are ending with a camping trip this weekend with an awesome family from the ward. CAN'T WAIT!

Then back to school and the old grind stone...:0) LIFE IS GOOD!

Thanks for stopping by for this Tolman update. I will try to do better!!!!

SO much FUN!

2010-04-27T09:58:00.002-06:00

I LOVE it when I make new friends! :) I have been going to the Recreation Center here in Parker for the last couple of weeks to play volleyball. Volleyball is an obsession of mine. It is very addicting....
The people there have been playing together for a while so I was nervous to come in. They don't know me or how I play and I haven't been playing as consistently as they have. But they were so welcoming and every time I go there is a group that is always inviting me to play with them. Then last night, they invited me to go out for tacoes. It was so much fun! These are the kind of people I wouldn't normally "hang out" with. They are men that are single from ages 30-50 and some women that are my age that are single and there are some guys that are married that have kids that play volleyball and then there are the 20 something kids that have youth and energy on their side. We play from 6:30PM to 10PM. They found out I have nine kids and they couldn't get over it....It was fun getting to know them and find out their stories.
Just thought I would share since my last post was such a downer....But you are never too old to meet new people and make new friends. That is my two cents for the day. :)
Thanks for stopping by! I will try to get pictures of them. I'm sure they will looooove THAT! LOL

What to say....?

2010-03-03T10:49:00.003-07:00

Well, First off, I am horrible at blogging. But I have been so consumed with lots of feelings about the past, about the present, about life and death. I think this post is going to be more for my benefit of getting everything out then for your benefit. Although, if someone reads this and can relate, that's great. :0)

We have some friends that lost their 12 year old daughter this morning. She has been fighting a long battle due to being born with congenital heart defects and other defects. She made it a lot longer than the doctors thought she would. I have been reading their blog to keep up on how they have been doing. The link is here, if you would like to read it. http://www.lovemyangel1997.blogspot.com/ It is very humbling to read it and the faith and testimony of the parents is amazing during the hardest trial they have had to face. I cry just thinking about it. It really hit home for me because that could have been my daughter, McKenna. It just never ceases to amaze me that the trials we are called to face are so different. We really just cannot judge anyone, because we don't have a clue as to what they are going through or have gone through.

I have also been thinking about my past and how I thought I had bottled it up all nice and neat so that I could move forward in life. Then someone came back into my life that brought up all those feelings of worthlessness I try to hide. It has been very trying for me. I went through anger at having felt so worthless and anger at those who made me feel worthless. But I just came to the realization that I needed to go through this so that I could get it all out of my system. So there was one person I thought was a friend but turned out to be the epitome of everything I had to deal with in being abandoned by my fathers. I felt abandoned all over again and like I wasn't worth loving. But I am grateful I went through it, even though it hurt, because I feel like I've grown from it. It amazes me that Heavenly Father knew just the thing I needed to go through. I didn't understand what the purpose was until I was truly humbled and then when I was crying on my knees, he let me know what I needed to learn from it. This may sound crazy, but it was very personal and not even my husband knew I was going through it. It also got me thinking about the people that come into our lives and how they have a purpose. Sometimes they are there to lift us when we need it, but sometimes they are there because there is something we need to learn from them. I'm grateful for all of them. I hope I'm the person in your life that was there to lift you when you needed it.

I just feel so much gratitude at the blessings I have been given in my life, that I feel I'm not worthy of, but He blesses me anyway. I also came to the sweet realization that it doesn't matter that I was abandoned by my fathers because I have always had ONE father that has NEVER forsaken me. I love Him with all my heart! I have a very personal relationship with my Father in heaven. I feel Him laughing at me at some of the boneheaded things I do. He laughs in a gentle, loving way. He also gently reminds me when I make mistakes. He reminds me in a talk I hear at church that seems like it's just for me. Or an article I read. Or in someone making a passing comment. He never judges me harshly. I'm grateful for that.

I love my husband SOOOOOOOO much! I can't believe that I married the one man that was perfect for me. He may not be anyone else's ideal, but he is mine. :0) I'm grateful for the beautiful children I have been given and trusted with. I'm grateful for their strong spirits and willingness to do what is right. They teach me everyday. Mostly what they teach me is patience, but sometimes they surprise me with their wisdom and insight. :0)

Sorry this is such a serious post, but it is very therapeutic for me. With the passing of that dear sweet girl, it just made me realize what is important in life. Our friendships, relationships with our family, and our relationship with our Heavenly Father. So go out and tell someone how much they mean to you today.
Thanks for letting me blather on.

The NEWEST Member of our Family

2010-01-04T12:39:00.008-07:00

Everyone modeling their new Christmas Jammies
Jason doesn't wear jammies anymore so we found him these boxers with the Grinch on the hiney. Everyone modeled like Jason. :0)

Petey looks like the puppy from the Cottnelle commercials.

Well, we finally did it. We got a dog! I wasn't the one that needed convincing. :0) Here is how it happened....

ME: Rob, Randy Schmidt called and said that he is driving to Utah to pick up some dogs. They're free and he is wondering if he should bring us back one, too.

Rob: No.

Later that night.....

ME: I really feel that we should get that puppy. If we don't do it now, we will miss this opportunity. Jason is almost twelve and he has wanted one so badly for such a long time. Pause....they are sooooo cute!

Rob: crickets chirping.........

The next day........

ME: We told the kids that we would get them a dog last year and you have always found an excuse to not get one....

Rob: We need a fence first and we can't afford it right now.

ME: We can put it in the garage. And since I cant have anymore babies, I want a puppy....

5 minutes later.....

Rob: Hey, Randy. I guess we're going to need that dog after all.

I was so excited! We kept the puppy at the Schmidt's house until 5AM Christmas morning. NORMALLY, we tell the kids not to get us out of bed until 7AM. But I was so excited I got up at 5Am and sat and waited.....didn't hear any noises. Rob got home with the puppy and I said, "Go wake up the kids." They came out all bleary-eyed...."what time is it?" "Mom, I heard some whining."

I said, "Uh-oh. Do we have an animal caught in our garage?"

They all run to check. "Be careful!"

They open the door. "Hey, there is a dog in our garage! Who does it belong to?" Checking the tag. "Hey, our number is on the tag! It's our dog!"

BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!! :0) Rob has become attached to Petey the sweetie, too. He is such a good puppy. He doesn't ever bark and he is almost potty-trained.

I hope everyone had an AMAZING CHRISTMAS! Happy New Year!

Cost of Online school

2009-11-18T08:01:00.002-07:00

I had a good question about the cost of online schooling. As far as fees, we pay a normal fee like what you would pay if we went to public school. That was it. There are some intial start up costs like school supplies (Paper, pencils, crayons, etc.) They gave us some of the paper and all of the books. The computers were the most expensive, but we just found some laptops for a really good price and figure that they will be useful in the future, as well, so they were worth it. I wonder if we had gone with a different online school, if there would have been a larger fee. We went with one in our school district so maybe since we lived in the district, it was cheaper? That might be something to look into....
The good thing was we didn't buy new school clothes and we don't have to keep buying school supplies for the rest of the school that were shared. We were always getting asked for money for this and for that. We don't have to buy school lunches which went up to $2.50 this year. OUCH! We don't have to pay an exorbitant amount for field trips. $9 just to take the school bus anywhere plus $5 for whatever it was they were doing. So I think it all balances out. :0)

Adventures in Online Schooling

2009-11-10T18:24:00.005-07:00

click on photo to see it better

So at the beginning of this year, Rob and I decided to try an online school for our kids. This was not an easy decision. But the reasons for it were too great and we felt an urgency in making this decision. It was a personal decision. We don't think everyone should do it or everyone shouldn't do it. It was something that had to be done for our children at this point in our lives, but who knows what the future holds. I want to get the word out so that other parents will know that it is an option.

Having been involved in it for a few months now, I feel like I can better talk about my experience. If you have any questions about anything, PLEASE feel free to ask me! I don't know everything, but I hope I can take the fear out of it for those who would love to do it but just don't think they can.

So the reasons WHY we decided to do it....The kids were getting bombarded with inappropriate material while riding the bus to school 45 minutes, one way. They weren't allowed to talk about Christ in the schools. They were required to walk a mile to catch the bus. School was starting later and the kids wouldn't be getting home until 5:30PM and then have homework on TOP of that! Some of the kids were getting bullied to the point where the bullies would SEARCH out my child and try to make their life hell. At this stage their self-esteem would have been shot. So those are some of our reasons....

We looked at a couple different online schools and found one right in our own school district. It is fairly new so they are still working out the kinks, but I have LOVED it! We start our school day at 8AM and end around 12PM with lunch. The kids might have some little things to finish up, like reading or PE. We work until Thursday and turn everything in on Friday, so they pretty much have Friday off. Sometimes we even have Thursday off. We have gone to the Science Museum a number of times on our days off. The kids are able to explore and do experiments they wouldn't be able to do at home. Working closely with my younger kids has been so fun! Their writing has improved and their spelling has improved. I get to see exactly what is being taught and I can bring Christian themes into it if I so desire. How awesome is that!

I get asked a lot of questions about how we have everything set up so the picture at the top kind of shows what we have done. We have a little office space right outside of our bedroom and we just lined up desks around the walls. Each child has their own desk where they keep their books, school supplies and computer. They have a hook on the wall for their headset. The younger girls received a box of schoool supplies from the school district to use throughout the year. some of them are consumables and some items will need to be returned. They gave us a list so we know what they want back.

How does it work? The kids are assigned teachers that work with them one-on-one. They meet once or twice a week in a Virtual Classroom with all the other students and get a lesson or they can ask questions. I also get to talk to the teachers about any concerns I have. They can be reached by e-mail as well or through a chat room. The teachers post their assignments for the week and any other info we will need, like copies of worksheets we might need. I sit down on Friday before the week and mark all the pages that need to be done and make all the copies that need to be made and place them in their folders. Now we are into the routine so I don't have to be by their side all the time. They also have websites the kids can go to to do some of their work online for practice. It is AMAZING what is out there! If I ever have any questions or can't remember what a past participle is or something, I GOOGLE it! I find the answers I need everytime. It's nice because I'm re-learning right along with my children. LOL At the end of the week, I scan what the teachers want and submit it to a special place on the school website. Voila!
The teachers grade it and give feedback on their assignments so the kids can see. They receive an e-mail letting them know when it is ready. For PE they just have to be active for so many minutes a week and I keep track. I have them exercise with me so that's nice that I can get it in and they can use it as well. It's been great. Also, with online school the younger kids can take a language much earlier than if they were in school. They don't get graded, they just get to explore. The kids have so much fun with it, I use it as a special treat if they get all of their graded work in.

Jason is a little different. He is in Junior high so he has numerous teachers just like in Junior high. He is a little more independent. I can check online for his grades, though, so if I see he has a D then I get a little more involved and he has to answer to me for all of his assignments. He has really caught on now and is doing an excellent job. :0)

Well, I don't want to drag this on and on, but like I said, if anyone has any other questions, please let me know.
One last thing I want to add is, they really try to keep the kids connected. They meet in the "classrooms" with their fellow students, they have field trips with their fellow students, they have penpals assigned to them that they can talk to, and they get together with their teacher and other students during a face-to-face assessment, like we are doing tomorrow. The kids are so excited!
Okay, that is it!

Thanks for stopping by and reading me blabber on and on. :0)

FINALLY the last of the reunion photos Part 1

2009-09-22T15:39:00.018-06:00

The day before Teresa, Adam, and Dylan left, we went on a sight-seeing drive and hike. The first place we stopped was this mountain that apparently had an avalanche that changed that whole area. In this picture you can see where all the trees fell down the mountain leaving the dirt showing.

Here is all the debris. Some of the trees stayed standing and started growing where ever they fell. That was pretty cool.

We found a campground and had a picnic. It started to rain so we built a fire to get warm.

I LOVE Jason's smile when it is genuine. He is such a great kid and fun to be around.

On the drive back home, I saw the Teton mountains pop-up from around the hill and it was so amazing, I can't even describe it. The pictues just don't do it justice! You have to click to get a better view.

Here are some surrounding hills that were the prettiest colors. I would love to live out there somewhere when we retire and all.

This picture shows the Tetons with a river and a little waterfall coming into it. Beautiful.

This is just a random picture of the hail storm we got in JULY! Gotta love that mountain overpass.

FINALLY the last of the reunion photos Part 2

2009-09-22T14:56:00.015-06:00

The last day of reunion we went to the Teton Valley County Fair! The kdis got to see and pet the animals and then we let them ride a few rides. They were VERY expensive as only Jackson Hole can be. We had to pay to see the worlds BIGGEST pig! But you get to see it for free! LOL

WE also had to pay to see the worlds smallest horse.

Parker is brushing the cow.

It was a hot day so the snow cones were definitely appreciated. I couldn't believe how BIG they were!

After the kids and the grandparents were wiped out, Rob, Spring, Lars and I got to take a ski lift up to the top of the mountain to see Jackson Hole. It just happened to be me and Rob's 13th Anniversary.

A storm was rolling in so we had to take pictures fast because they close down the lift when it rains.

The ski lift operator. He said he gets asked to have his picture taken a lot. Gee, I can't figure out why. LOL

Trying to get off the lift was fun. Rob used me as his leverage to get off which held me in the chair so I almost got to go around again. Thanks, Rob! LOL

Well, that is it! Finally....It was a fun and memorable time and hopefully we'll do it again....in a couple more years. :0)

That's right....MORE REUNION PHOTOS!

2009-08-20T14:35:00.009-06:00

My brother, Alan , left on Tuesday of that week, but my sisters, Teresa and Spring, arrived with their handsome husbands.

Here is Adam. He is married to Teresa and they have the CUTEST little boy named, Dylan. I was so happy to see them!

This is Lars. He is married to Spring. He is the reason my son , Jason, wants to learn Chinese. :0) I'm so glad our crazy family didn't scare these guys off. They are a lot of fun.

Here is Grandpa chasing Dylan. Dylan is such a happy little guy. I love his gap-toothed smile. LOL Reminds me of Teresa when she was little.

My Gorgeous sister, Teresa. AS you can see, no more gap in the front teeth. LOL

Spring holding Dylan.

My brother, Bob, and his wife, Ewa. My grandpa was leaving the next day.

We played hand and foot that night with my Aunts. Here is my mom sporting her SpongeBob Squarepants pants.

Here are my beautiful Aunts. My mom on the left, my Aunt Joann with her adorable dog, Cooper, and my Aunt Marie. These women are amazing. They have come through some pretty great trials in their life and even struggle today with some things. They mean a great deal to me because they have such great strength and that gives me determination to get through what ever trials come my way.

Family has been on my mind a lot lately. I wish we were closer so that we could grow together, but I hope that we try to keep those connections that we formed when we were younger. We may not always agree, but we can still love each other. Those are my deep thoughts for today.

Thanks for stopping by and yes, there are more pictures to come. You DON'T want to miss those. I have some gorgeous pictures of the Tetons and surrounding countryside. B-E-A-Utiful!

GROUT FAMILY REUNION DAY 2

2009-07-30T11:41:00.033-06:00

On day two all of the guys went to Jackson to work at the towing company. That left Grandma, Great-grandpa and I with all of the kids. So we decided to visit the Teton Valley Historic Museum. I mean, Why not? The following pictures are what happens when you give the camera to the kids. It was fun to go back later and see what they thought was picture worthy. The BEST part was seeing how Jason posed the kids for the pictures. It was hilarious. So without further ado.....

Click on the photos to get a better view.

You have to click on this one of Bryce being the teacher. Bug's reaction was funny. :0)

This photo is of devices used in the war. The soldiers would leave these little boxes lying around houses and when enemy soldiers took over the house, they would stupidly open these boxes and....

BANG! Jason thought this was pretty funny and therefore, the picture.

Bryce was horrified to learn that they had to use magazine pages to wipe with. He was also acting out that the out house must have smelled bad. LOL

The nice ladies at the counter took this picture for us. That concludes this tour. Come back for more exciting photos of the rest of the reunion. :0)

Thanks for stopping by!

GROUT FAMILY REUNION DAY 1

2009-07-28T10:09:00.022-06:00

We finally got most of the Grout siblings together for a family reunion. Not all at the same time, though....My brother, Bob, and his wife, Ewa, flew into Denver and the next day we drove up to Driggs, Idaho, minus my hubby who had to work. I was a little nervous because my brother and his wife aren't used to having so many little kids around and here they were in a van with all of us for 10 hours. It actually went farely well thanks to the Fablehaven books on CD.

My brother, Alan, flew into Jackson Hole on his birthday. I didn't get any pictures of Alan. They went to Burley the next day for a wedding and I went grocery shopping. The next day my mom and I got up at 3AM to drive up to Montana to pick up my Grandpa Reed. It was an 8 hour drive. We got there in time to celebrate my grandpa's 96th birthday with my aunts and uncles and some cousins. That was a lot of fun. Of course, I am a bonehead and didn't think to bring the camera. I got to see some family that I don't get to see too often. Then we jumped back into the car and drove back to Driggs. We got back at 1AM. Needless to say, it was a LOOOOONG day. But well worth it. :0)

Here is my grandpa. He is my only grandparent left. I am amazed at how sharp he is for his age. He is an amazing man and I absolutely adore him. I'm glad that some of my kids will have memories of their great-grandpa.

While my mom and I were away, Grandpa Grout took the kids on a hike. The babies were in the stroller. Emi was running with Ty and the stroller tipped over. Ty got a little banged up. But he's still smiling. What a happy little guy.

I had to get a pic with Grandpa and the babies.

Fortunately, my dad was able to get this little camper to put the kids in. They had a great time sleeping in there. Unfortuantely, they used the toilet which wasn't hooked up. Ooops. But really, what do expect kids to do.....?

Here are the cousins playing and having a great time. I had to capture this while I could since you know how towards the end they start having little spats.

Here we are at a park that is close to my parent's house. We took a picnic and let the kids play. The babies had a blast tasting the pinecones and pine needles.

There was a sprinkler running nearby so guess who found it, in his white socks and no shoes.

Well, then EVERYONE had to join in, of course. :0) Except McKenna who just watched.

She loves to pose for pictures, though.

Tori had fun playing with the babies and they loved the attention. This was a sweet picture.

Great-grandpa and Grandma

Later that day, my dad had the kids go around in the empty lots nearby and find these rocks.

What are the rocks used for??

He uses them to make a border for his landscaping. My dad isn't above using children for labor. LOL

Here they all are finding the rocks and carrying them back to the house. I will mention that they did get paid....in quarters. AND they were very excited about it.

Even Josh got in on it. I think his contribution was the smaller rocks. LOL

It was a long but fun filled day.

Stay tuned for more pictures from the following days!

How'd I do it??

2009-06-26T21:56:00.002-06:00

That is the main question I have been asked over and over. I just wanted to post here exactly what I did for my exercise routine. I am a firm believer that it doesn't matter WHAT you do as long as you are doing something! However, I have found that Turbo Jam had everything that I was looking for and it gave me the results I wanted. I want to be lean, but toned.
So, I make sure I do cardio everyday. That is what really helped me burn the fat. I try to do 40 minutes. Then I will alternate between working my butt one day, my abs the next and twice a week I work my whole body using weights. I also mix in some pilates to help strengthen my back. I have had bad back problems ever since Highschool and my chiropractor told me Pilates is the best thing for it. Then I throw in some extra crunches for good measure to really tone my poor stretched out tummy muscles.
So there you have it! Anyone can do this....all it really takes is for you to DECIDE you are going to do it, COMMIT to doing what is necessary, and you will SUCCEED!
So, I want to hear other people's success stories. :0)
Thanks for stopping by!

WEIGHT LOSS PHOTOS! FINALLY....

2009-06-05T17:32:00.007-06:00

Okay, so posting pictures is soooo embarassing! But I am pretty proud of myself. I didn't honestly know if I could do it or not, especially after having a c-section. I mean, how many times can your skin be stretched out before it finally says, "That's it. I'm staying right here."

So just for a reference, this is me at my HEAVIEST! I weighed over 200 lbs. Granted I was pregnant with twins, but still. Not pretty.

Here I am 7 months later. I am wearing my skinny, SKINNY jeans. The pair I thought I would NEVER EVER get back into because I didn't think my HIPS would ever shrink again. You know what the best part is?? My husband gave me the greatest compliment today while taking this photo. He said, "I am amazed by you. I can't believe you had the will power to do it!" Probably in reference to me getting up every morning and exercising...It felt soooo GOOD to hear it from him! :0)

Here is a picture of my tummy. I thought I would never show my tummy to anyone again. My sister wanted to see the difference. So, Spring, this is for you even though I am mortified!

I am trying to convice her that Turbo Jam is WAAAAYY better than Tae Bo. :0P

I'm hoping that my skin will shrink even more. I'm giving it a year....

So there you have it.

Thanks for stopping by!

Teacher Gifts

2009-06-03T09:07:00.011-06:00

So ever since my last venture in learning how to sew, I have gotten to be a little more confident, thanks to NOT breaking any needles in the first five minutes. YAY! So I saw a friend with this gorgeous bag and I thought, "I HAVE to make one of those!" She was kind enough to take the time to teach me. Here is the first bag I did. I LOVE this bag! It is so pretty and there are pockets inside to hold a water bottle and pens and another pocket to hold other items. So I made one for my mom for Mother's Day. It got easier so I decided to make one for my elementary kids teachers, 4 in all.
Here is one of the bags I made for the teachers. Different fabric. I can now make one in less than a day, easy! My hubby is rolling his eyes because I have yet ANOTHER hobby that costs money. Still cheaper than paying for therapy... :0)

I also made these little thank-you note holders using Lauren Meader's Timeless Timeplate, Captured Card Case. So easy. I just print, cut, score, assemble and decorate! The sentiment was perfect. It's from PTI's Teacher's Apple stamp set.

Inside are 10 little thank you notes and envelopes to match. I made the envelopes myself using Lauern Meader's easy instructions. I also made a pen to match that can be kept inside the box.

The little envelope holds mongrammed lables to seal the envelopes with.

The kids are giving them out today. I hope they like it! Mostly I just wanted to give them something that would be useful and NOT fattening. I'm sure they get tons of goodies at the end of the year. :0) Anyway, just thought I would share what I do with some of my free time.

Thanks for stopping by!

Have you ever had one of those days....

2009-05-22T00:39:00.004-06:00

Well in my case it has been more like one of those weeks! I just have to vent it all here so that I don't have an emotional break-down.

Just to set this up, my husband is out of town and I am PMS'ing...not a good combination to start with, but it just felt like everything was conspiring against me...

Monday started out okay. I really can't remember it, maybe I blocked it out, but then TUESDAY HIT! I was teaching piano and my oldest son thought it would be a bright idea to burn things in the basement while watching his baby brother, Ty. Now Jason is a relatively bright kid. He is, however, turning 12 and the hormones have affected his ability to THINK! So what would posses him to do this? Ty is laying on the cement floor while Jason is nowhere to be seen, but I can smell something burning. So we got in a big fight and he decides to run away from home right before some people are supposed to come over to practice a song for his talent show the next day. I am cleaning the kitchen, mopping on my hands and knees while crying and thinking I am the worst parent in the world. The people show up and Jason is nowhere to be found. Fortunately, they were very forgiving and even play with my children while I hunt for my son. She talks to me and makes me feel better and all is well.

Here was my Wednesday. I had to teach piano and then get the kids fed and ready for bed before I was to take Jason to his talent show. Emi and Bryce were to be in charge. I had reservations about them after I went upstairs to find Emi fully dressed in her PJ's standing in a bathtub full of water with her brother, Bryce, who was buck-naked and they were having a water fight. The babies were lying on the floor naked and there was water all over the bathroom floor. These were the two kids I was supposed to leave in charge?! Needless to say, I took the babies with me, which meant that I couldn't record the talent show. Jason did a great job and all is well.

Thursday....da, da, dah....(insert dramatic music here). I took a shower and come down the stairs to find blood all over the carpet. At this point I'm thinking one of the children has been stabbed. I find Josh with a bloody nose and no one has died. I scrub the carpets that have just been shampooed, BTW. It mostly came out and all is well. I made french bread earlier in the day for hoagie sandwiches for dinner. I got done teaching piano, and sliced the cheese, tomatoes, lettuce, and cut up the pineapple. I start slicing the bread and found the little silicon oxygen package they put into the flour to keep it fresh. It had busted and was baked all into the bread. So it's 6:30PM and a friend is coming at 7PM so we can work on baby shower invitations. I make a run for the grocery store, which is not close by, BTW. The whole time I'm speeding and thinking, it would just be my luck that I would get a speeding ticket or get into an accident and social services would cart my children away because I left them at home alone to run get bread! I get home and my friend is already here and the kids are telling her that the bread mom made was poisoned! At this point, I am ready to lose it. My week has been so utterly ridiculous that I just HAD to laugh! I mean, who could make this stuff up? Isn't life fun? Fortunately, my friend was very forgiving that my life is not as organized as I think it should be. She joined us for dinner. We stayed up until midnight getting the invitations done and had a good talk. All is well.
Now....what will tomorrow hold, I wonder......
Heaven help me...

WEIGHT LOSS UPDATE

2009-04-23T15:57:00.002-06:00

Man, I have been bad about updating on my progress! Since January 6th, I have lost 25 lbs. I have at least 5 more to go. Over Spring Break I stayed at 152, but now I am losing again. it might be due to the stress of having to speak on Sunday, plus sing. AHHHHH! Have I ever mentioned how much I hate to speak in front of people?

I just have to say that the Turbo Jam workouts have really shaped my body into something that looks lean and fit. My arms are longer and skinnier, but I actually have muscle there! Woohoo!
My butt is sore thanks to all of the squats and lunges. :0) The thing I LOVE about Turbo Jam is that the workouts are FUN! I actually look forward to working out. The music is awesome and I really let go....Thank goodness it's only my kids that get to watch me dance around like a crazy woman. LOL I HIGHLY recommend Turbo Jam. There is a learning curve involved in becoming familiar with the moves, but once you do it a couple of times you can just rock out without having to listen to the instructor tell you over and over again what to do. With other workouts it's like, "Okay, I got it already, can we move on?" I memorized the Pilates moves and some Betty Crocker workout video (is that an Oxy moron?) so that I could do them when I travel or don't have a lot of time to exercise.
I will post a picture soon!

Spring Break Activities

2009-04-01T10:25:00.015-06:00

Prepare to be bombarded with pictures! For Spring break I tried to do something with each one of the children. Jason and I went shopping together for some new pants...that boy needs to stop growing! We had fun. Emi and I attempted to learn how to sew. I found this cute pattern for these bags. I thought they would be easy....HA! But we managed to get it figured out. :0) It was like the blind leading the blind. LOL
I changed a few things. I used ribbon for the handles instead of fabric and I added flowers. I think they turned out pretty cute. We made one for each of the girls and for my niece, Tori, who just turned 8.

This flower is from the pretties kit that Stampin' Up! sells. The button is one of the corduroy buttons that SU! has in the Occasions mini catty that just came out. I LOVE these buttons!

With the leftover fabric we made aprons. I used ribbon again for the straps and PTI buttons. These little aprons are so cute. It is just a square piece of fabric. I made one for each of the girls and Tori.

Josh wanted in on the picture. What a character!

Kenna and I made TONS of cookies. We made Peanut butter chocolate chip, butterscotch chocolate chip, and TWO batches of Snickerdoodles because they are daddy's favorite. I freeze them in a big ziploc bag and then just pull them out as needed.

This is a picture of an accident we had. Josh fell off of our benches onto our dutch oven and tore his ear. They glued it back together. Not pretty, eh?

Of course we have to get a picture of the babies. They are growing so quickly! They are rolling and scooting. They are seriously the BEST babies I have ever had. So happy and they love to hold hands and talk to each other.

We had the Pinewood derby. Here was Bryce's car, Lightening McQueen. Too bad Dad wasn't here to help.

It wasn't very fast, but it was the best looking car there. :0) I found out later we were supposed to graphite the wheels or something?? Oh, well....

Bryce and I also went to see "Race to Witch Mountain". I have seen it twice now. Is it just me or is Dwayne Johnson smokin' HOTT?! :0) That's not why I saw it twice, though....

I hope you enjoyed this little sneak peek into my life!

I was in a "Time Out"

2009-03-09T11:57:00.002-06:00

So I got invited to go to a Time Out For Women this last weekend. It was a short notice type of thing, but I think Heavenly father knew what I needed to hear! I have been thinking a lot about my children and if I have taught them what they need to know. Jason is turning twelve and has entered the puberty stage. It has been a struggle as he tries to gain his independence and yet he's not making the wisest choices. Don't get me wrong. He is a great kid, but just really seems to be struggling with anger and aggression (partly due to TESTOSTERONE!)
There was one talk that just slapped me right in the face!!!! It was given by Cheiko Okazaki...I hope I got the name right....
Here is a synopsis of what she said:
"Teach them correct principles and let them govern themselves" a quote by Joseph Smith.
1. What are correct principles?
A correct principle is one that doesn't hinder free-agency and shows an increase in love.
2. How do I teach the correct principle?
We must teach the correct principles by EXAMPLE!
3. How do I let them govern themselves?
If you have taught the princple, you need to let go and trust that they know it and then let them govern themselves. Sometimes we will need to reteach it and sometimes we will need to intervene, but we need to let the children make their mistakes and learn from the consequences. This is the hardest part.

She had some excellent examples. I have just boiled it down to the nitty-gritty of her talk, but how simple and beautiful. This is something I am going to be working on.

There were so many great talks. I wish I had time to share everything! I wish I had taken my journal so I could have written it all down....duh moment for me. :0)

So bad at blogging....

2009-02-20T16:40:00.009-07:00

Oh, the wonderful world of blogging....I'm terible at it! I figure no one really cares about what I am up to or what I think. It's like journal writing....when things are going great you never think to put it down. It's only when we need to vent that we let everyone know about it. I want to share the GOOD times with everyone, but it gets lost in the brew-haha of everyday life.
So anywho....Here are some happy times.

Josh keeps me laughing. This is how I found him one morning. So cute.

The twins are four months old now! Can you believe it? They had their check-up today and weighed the same and were the same length. The doctors tell me that rarely happens and we've had it happen twice.

Bryce loves being a big helper. He volunteers to bathe the babies. Isn't that just the sweetest moment? Life is so good. :0)

Here is Bella smiling. She is so laid back and content. She just smiles at everyone and talks to anyone who will listen. Everyone tells me she looks like a little porcelain doll. So sweet.

Here is Ty smiling. He has the biggest grin. He also laughs. It is the BEST sound in the world! He loves to have attention and will often just coo while he looks at the ceiling. It makes you wonder who he is talking to. :0)

They both sleep from 9PM to 7AM. Ty has learned to scoot so we often find him in the oddest places in the crib. But it doesn't bother Bella. He has even tried sucking on her thumb in the middle of the night. He DID learn how to suck his thumb. It keeps him happy.

I have lost 14 lbs. and am looking forward to when I lose ALL of it! It's nice knowing that this time I can KEEP it off as we are DONE having children....and this time I MEAN IT! :0)

Rob is happy at his job and getting the attention he deserves for all his hard work. We are so blessed.

Jason will be turing 12 in May and that means he will be getting the Aaronic Priesthood! Man, I feel old.

We love all of our family and friends and wish we could be closer to you all. God Bless!

Another PTI challenge

2009-02-09T12:10:00.007-07:00

This one was more fun. I actually felt like I had an idea this time. I think maybe I don't like sketches because I feel like I can't let the creative juices flow! So here is my "friend" card. I thought these colors were nice and cheery. :0)

Wanted to add....

2009-01-08T10:55:00.003-07:00

Now that I'm getting back into this, I wanted to let you know that I also take a multi-vitamin. I'm always on Pre-natals so I don't give much thought to it, but it will help to make sure you're getting the vitamins you need in case you aren't eating a well-balalnced diet. Try to eat a well balanced diet, as well. Fruits, veggies, grains, dairy, protein.
Also, they make little flavored water packets that give you 5 grams of fiber. I like the South Beach living ones... 30calories. You can find them at Walmart. These were really helpful because I didn't like drinking water. The fiber also helps you make it to the next meal if you feel hungry. I would use them between breakfast and lunch.
I also like the Activia yogurt. It helps keep your digestive system working.
Last thing I wanted to add was.... BE KIND TO YOURSELF! Think positive thoughts and look forward to when you will feel better and look great! It takes patience. :) But it WILL happen.
I like thinking of it as a game....I try to see if I can resist the chocolate my hubby leaves on the counter or the bowl of ice-cream sitting in the freezer that he dished up for me. :) I won't even take one lick of the bowl when I make brownies! I've been very good...so far.

OH BOY....Here we go again!

2009-01-02T17:38:00.009-07:00

So....now that I have had the babies and I've let myself go over the last nine months....I have decided it's time to lose the weight....AGAIN! I lost 25 lbs. in 3 months last time. I have 30 to lose this time. I will be updating every now and then....not sure if I will post a before picture. You wouldn't believe how much skin around your tummy can stretch! :) I call it my badge of motherhood and yet, I WANT TO GET RID OF IT!!!! From now on I will call my c-section scar my badge of motherhood. :)
HAPPY NEW YEAR! Tell me what your resolutions are going to be!

Edited to add:
For those of you who want to join my "Get your BUTT in shape" cause, here is a run-down of what I did last time:

*Drink lots of water
*Write down everything you eat and try to keep it to 1200 calories a day (this really varies depending on how much you want to weigh-my goal is 140 for my height and build) I counted it as points, though, and not calories, so 50 calories equals 1 point and that gave me 24 points a day. If you work out you can eat more than that. I also gave myself an extra 30 points a week that I could do with as I please. So if I ate out, I would use those extra points. You lose it faster if you don't use them. :)
*Eat a cereal with fiber in it! It keeps you full longer and the fiber is good for you. My favorite was Special K. It was only 3 points for breakfast which gave me more points for later. Or you can have an egg and some hashbrowns for 3 points and a piece of fruit for 1 point. The protien is good for you, too, as it helps build muscle.
* If you get hungry snack on veggies! I liked celery and bell peppers. ZERO points for veggies.
* If you find yourself having a craving, get the 100 calorie snack packs. They measure it for you and it's just enough to satisy the craving.
*EXERCISE! I did toning and aerobic excercise. Pilates is a must in my book. I used TaeBo for the aerobic and it does a good job on your abs. Aerobic helps you burn more fat and toning helps define the muscles once the fat is gone. I also lifted 5 lb weights and did push-ups to define my arm muscles. Basically do what works for you.
* Don't eat past 7PM. There goes my quiet ice-cream time to myself....sigh. However, they do make low cal ice-cream. :)
* You're gonna hate this one, but WEIGH yourself EVERY DAY! Yes, it will fluctuate, but you can see the results if you pig-out or if you have a really good day. PMS will usually put on a couple of pounds of water weight, but DON't get discouraged!!
*One last thing-Eat the suggested serving size on the package. So fishsticks and french fries and chips (or they have 100 calorie packs of chips), even candy. It's ALL about portion control.

Typical day for me:
Weigh in
breakfast
excercise
drink lots of water
lunch
water
snack (100 calorie snack or veggies)
dinner
water
sometimes another snack

I have a weight-loss journal that I write down everything I eat with the points value next to it, and I write down how much excercise I do and what type it is. I write down how much I weigh at the top of every day. I don't really keep track of the water. I just fill a gallon jug and try to finish it off during the day.
REMEMBER the first couple of weeks are the Hardest! Stick to it and you will find you don't crave the fattening stuff anymore. I actually felt sick if I ate pizza and burgers. Weird, I know.
I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions about anything. GOOD LUCK!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2008-12-26T08:38:00.006-07:00

OUR CHRISTMAS CARD

I hope everyone had an awesome Christmas! We certainly did. I think nothing is better than living Christmas through the eyes of my children. Their excitement gets ME excited! I also have to say that Rob is awesome at surprising me with things that I mention throughout the year and then forget about. He got me something that I REALLY wanted, even though he hates my crafty stuff. :) Big SMOOCHES to you, Rob!!! I hope he got things that he really wanted, too.

Jason kept thanking us over and over and the kids were heard to say, "This was the BEST Christmas EVER!" Now that is a compliment since we felt we didn't get them that much. :) With nine kids we try to get them ONE big present that everyone can use and then one individual present. We also have our children draw names and be a secret santa for someone in the family. They get soooooo excited they can hardly keep it a secret! LOL

MOST importantly, I love Christmas because it reminds me of the Greatest Gift we have ever received. We feel so extremely blessed!

*Alot has happened in the economy and some of the banks have had to close. We feel blessed that Rob works for Wells Fargo, a bank that is doing very well.

*We feel blessed that I haven't had to work outside of the home so I can teach my children.

*We feel blessed that McKenna is doing so well. I didn't ever think that she would be as healthy as she is. She will be baptized next year!

* We feel blessed to have had the twins come safely into our family! Their spirit touches this home everyday and blesses our other children.

*We feel blessed to have such a beautiful home that fits ALL of us and has some land for the children to run on.

*We feel very blessed to have friends and family that provide the love and support we need. My parents moved closer to us, and our dear friends, the Krons, moved to the same town as us and we are sooooo HAP-HAP-HAPPY to have them here!

I know I could go on and on, but these are the blessings we feel most thankful for this year.

May God bless each and every one of You! And may you feel His love throughout the following year as times may get harder. WE LOVE YOU!

IS THIS FOR REAL????

2008-12-11T16:57:00.002-07:00

http://www.1065.com/pages/videooftheday.html?feed=306394&article=4493178

You have GOT to see this! Does anyone know if it's real or a set-up? Real or not, it's prrrItty darn funny!

BOOK CLUB LIST 2008

2008-12-07T11:54:00.006-07:00

I've updated my book club list. Check it out for new ideas and let me know if you read any of them. There were some fun ones and a few with very serious subject matter. ENJOY!

WE ALL ARE MORMONS....by Rabbi Shifren

2008-12-03T10:13:00.001-07:00

WE ALL ARE MORMONS....by Rabbi Shifren
We are living in an era of insanity! Witness the latest attempt to remake the nature of our country, founded and established on certain principles that have been the envy of the entire world. The latest assault on our country and its values comes in the form of vicious and criminal violence against the Mormon church in Westwood, California
Interesting how the selective self-righteous indignation on the part of the radical Gay activists is played out here: they bewail the blow to freedom and justice! But I thought we just had elections, where the majority of Californians expressed their views in a free and open manner. Are we not a nation of laws? Dare we relive the McCarthy era, where Americans were harassed and threatened with the loss of their jobs for believing in a certain way? If the Gay radicals should have their way, untold numbers of Americans would live under the threat of the Gay-Lesbian "thought police," where individuals that reject the Gay lifestyle would be sought out and have sanctions brought against them.
It's bad enough for those working in the entertainment industry here in Los Angeles, where a fog of political correctness and a bending over backwards to accommodate, even promote Gay lifestyle is in full gear. Let none dare say that this type of activity is anathema to our country, our morality, and the debauchery of our young people.
Let it be stated unequivocally: The radical Gay attack on the Mormons is the shot over the bow against the United States of America. There was a time when what a man did in his bedroom was sanctified between himself and G-d. Now we are being served an "in-your-face" smorgasbord of smut and licentiousness as being between people who only "want their civil rights."
Hogwash! We are dealing with the equivalent of a moral takeover of the country that has as its bedrock a belief in G-d and His promise for humanity. They don't want civil rights! What they desire is quasi Gay/Lesbian hegemony, where a huge "bookburning," reminiscent of the Nazis, will purge any remnants of the "Christian, White, mainstream America" that has given ALL AMERICANS the most profound scope of freedom, liberty, and justice that Mankind has yet to experience.
People have perhaps wondered: why the Mormons? Answer: they are a small, yet vocal Christian minority. They have been selected by the mobs as vulnerable, a group that might not have such massive support among America's Christians.
We who are friends of the Mormons, their patriotism, their family values, will not falter in our continued support of these dear Americans. Let us recall the Christian minister Niemoller, whose admonition during those dark years of Nazi Germany moved us to our core:
"When they came for the gypsies, I said nothing, because I wasn't a gypsy. When they came for the homosexuals, I said nothing, because I wasn't a homosexual. When they came for the Jews, I said nothing, because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the Catholics, and I said nothing, because I wasn't a Catholic......then they came for me, and there was no one left to defend me."
My fellow Americans, in the coming battle for the heart and soul of America and everything we cherish, may this call to arms be the mantra of every concerned patriot:
"WE ALL ARE MORMONS!"
=====================================
Rabbi Nachum Shifren
Lecturer and Author, "Kill Your Teacher: An Expose of Corruption and Racism in LA Schools" & "Surfing Rabbi: A Kabbalistic Quest for the Soul"
http://www.surfingrabbi.com/
http://www.surfingrabbi.com/surf_blog.html
http://www.killyourteacher.com/

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CUTE to not so cute...

2008-12-01T12:48:00.006-07:00

Okay, so my day started out great! The babies slept through the night, it was sunny out, I was in the christmas spirit...

Then while I was trying to feed the babies (it takes me about 1 1/2 HOURS)

JOSHUA DAVID STRUCK!

He was just tryin' to help me make lunch apparently. Here we have vegetable soup mix and

acini de pepe. He is mixing it with a wire whisk.
Here we have Bisquick. He is crying in this picture. That is what I felt like doing.

In theory, it sounded pretty good. I had to vacuum for a half hour and we will still be vacuuming acini de pepe out of the carpet for at least a year.

In the Christmas Spirit

2008-12-01T08:40:00.003-07:00

I LOVE this time of year! We got snow FINALLY....We set up our Christmas tree....and JD woke up this morning with these cute reindeer jammies on.

I just couldn't help myself. He is sooooo cute!

TWILIGHT MOVIE

2008-11-25T10:58:00.004-07:00

Okay, all you obsessed Twilight Fans! I want to hear your opinions on what you thought about the movie. Are you excited about New Moon being made into a movie?
I must give props to Robert Pattinson. He actually did a fantastic job, In my humble opinion. :) Did anyone catch Stephenie Meyer making a cameo? That was cool. I also liked how they worked the cover of Twilight into the movie...the hands holding the apple. I am seeing it again this Friday. :)

The NO SLEEP Blues...

2008-11-23T13:25:00.002-07:00

I love this picture. I often find them lying in the same position when they are sleeping. I call it "Synchronized Sleeping". I just wish they would synchronize with ME! LOL Actually, they are doing a lot better. I usually put them down at 10PM and get up once around 3AM. They wake up at different times so Rob and I each take a child and if that child gets up more than once, too bad for you! I usually take Ty.... He sleeps better. :)

AND THE NEW LICENSE PLATE IS......

2008-11-13T14:04:00.001-07:00

BLESTW9

Now here's hopin' we don't have anymore!

DUKING IT OUT

2008-10-30T11:52:00.005-06:00

So Rob and I were trying to pose the babies for a picture we want to use for our Christmas card this year. Here are the ones we didn't use because it looks ike they are trying to punch each other! LOL

They were just yawning and stretching.

Here is a good puch to Bella's jaw.
She returns the favor with a punch to his nose and he punches her in the gut.

Here I am trying to "Break it up". They look so small when you compare them to my hands.

We did get a good picture of them, but you will have to wait and see when you get my Christmas card. :)

I-SCREAM Sundae Kit

2008-10-28T11:47:00.007-06:00

Here is a fun halloween gift idea. The I-scream sundae kit, inspired by Papertrey Ink and Lauren Meader who is amazing at designing templates! You HAVE to check out her new Timeless templates line. This is one that she demonstrated on her blog.

http://laurenm.blogs.splitcoaststampers.com/

I improvised and designed it to hold Ice cream toppings.

The toppings I used are Halloween sprinkles, crushed oreos, and Reeses Pieces. I found these cute little inexpensive vials online.

Here is the Hot fudge all decorated.

The bottom says, "Best if eaten before october 31st"

I used PTI's Spooky sweets II and Faux Ribbon.

I just LOVE that witch! I made a circle template and sponged on the moon.

I gave these treats to my piano students for my Halloween Recital, which was postponed for a week because I had the babies earlier than I thought. :)

Pictures

2008-10-20T17:57:00.010-06:00

WIDE AWAKE

Only Rob
Ahhhhh. So sweet!

Everyone taking a turn.

HOME with the BABIES!

2008-10-20T16:47:00.008-06:00

This is just to let you know that I had the babies on Friday at 2:08AM and 2:09AM. They were 5'13oz -19.25" (Isabella Rose Tolman) and 5'15oz.-18" (Ty Alexander Tolman). I had a doctor's appt. scheduled for Friday morning at 9AM that I thought I might make it to. During Jay Leno I decided that the pain was too much and I had better go to the ER. I was a little nervous about waking Rob up because he had only gotten three hours of sleep the night before and I thought I was being paranoid. But the pain won out. We got there at midnight. They checked me and I was dialated to a 5. An emergency came in where someone had their baby right after walking into the hospital and couldn't stop bleeding so they had to take care of her first so I labored a little more, all while cursing the lady who took precedence over me, I mean how dare she come in and steal my Thunder? :) They could see how much pain I was in so they called an emergency back up team and away we went! The babies were big considering they thought I was only 34 weeks along. Their lungs were perfectly developed and there were no complications. I did find out while they were stitching me up that Isi's placenta had detached from the wall and there was a lot of blood in her sack, which might explain why she hadn't been moving very much a few days before. I KNOW God was watching out for us. The c-section was the weirdest experience ever. The funny thing is I hurt WORSE from all the labor than from the incision! My muscles and hip bone are very badly bruised . We are so HAPPY to be home and we feel VERY BLESSED that all went well and we are all healthy. I just have to say Thank YOU! to everyone who has been praying for me. I have felt your prayers strengthen me. I know that is the only way I made it through these last couple of weeks. God is Good!

Meet the Tolman Basketball team!

Ty Alexander

Isabella Rose

Update

2008-10-12T11:38:00.004-06:00

I didn't mention that I have been in labor for about two weeks now. The doctor gave me some medicine to stop the contractions, but the side affects sounded dangerous to me so I haven't taken it. Both babies are breach which means that I will need a c-section. The doctor won't do the c-section unless I am dialated to a 4. I am already at a 2. I don't know how quickly things can progress if the baby isn't head down. So at my appt. this Friday I am hoping that he will just schedule me for the c-section on Monday! My mom is coming this weekend which will be nice since my kids are on their Fall break. :)

BY THE WAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MCKENNA!!!

SCARY!

2008-10-09T18:32:00.004-06:00

Here I am at 34 weeks pregnant with the twins. Everyone keeps telling me how small I am! HA! The babies are measuring about 6 lb. each. That is a lot of baby plus all the other stuff that goes with it. I can't wait to be done.....

Cute, huh?

HALLOWEEN SWAP

2008-09-28T18:24:00.010-06:00

I was in charge this month for my card swap so I chose the theme Halloween Goodies with a note that it didn't have to be candy. The ladies in my group are so creative! Here are a few of the things they came up with. (Click on the image to enlarge it) Ghost Poop

Don't shiver, don't shake

It's not a mistake. The ghost was afraid.

He just couldn't have stayed!

So he left on the stoop his white ghostly poop!!

Happy Halloween

Here is a mummy that would hold candy inside. You could use a toilet paper roll and cover with strips of torn muslin. Then glue on the eyes and put on a bottom. Very cute!

These are tic tacs wrapped in cardstock with a little window.

Here is a bracelet in Halloween colors wrapped around the cats neck. I never would have thought of this.

I did Spooky Slime. It was a flubber recipe I found. It was so fun to make with the kids and it has been a HUGE HIT! They play with it all the time. I decorated a 2.5 oz clear top tin to put it in.

Here is a picture of the "slime". I used Papertrey Ink's stamp set Spooky sweets II. I LOVE this set.

Flubber recipe
Container 1:
1-1/2c warm water
2 cups elmers glue (4 bottles) You can find this on sale at walmart or target
food coloring (a few drops) I did 6 blue and 8 red to get purple

Container 2:
1-1/3 c warm water
3 tsp Borax (laundry isle at Walmart)

1. Mix ingredients in each conatiner thoroughly. What do they look like? How are they different?
2. Pour container 2 into container 1. Gently lift with your hands until it absorbs the liquid. This takes a few minutes. What do you observe? What does it feel like?
3. Place on a cookie sheet and flatten a little. Let the excess liquid drip off, if there is any. Cut into desired sizes.

Have a Happy Halloween!

BABY SHOWER THANKS

2008-09-06T17:34:00.007-06:00

To get a better look, click on the picture. (Sorry, they are kind of fuzzy up close) Some awesome friends of mine threw me a baby shower today. These are the thank-yous I made.

This is the thank-you card that I will send to everyone who got me a gift. It is made using the nestabilities and Bitty Baby Blessings from Papertrey Ink. Doesn't it make the cutest bib card?

Here are the little gifts I made as thank-yous for my hostesses.

First is the gift bag. You might recognize this idea from my SU! Convention pictures. Way easy and so stinkin' CUTE! I used Nesties, once again, and the tag is the new square punch from SU!

Here is a Pumpkin Pie candle from Walmart that I just decorated with SU! rub-ons and SU! designer papers. I embossed the flower from SU!'s True Friend stamp set in white on Close to Cocoa cardstock and used a bigger brad in the center. The rub-ons were a little tricky to use on the candle. I think it turned out cute and it smells sooooo YUMMY!

Next, I decorated Hersheys nuggets with stamped labels using Limitless Labels from Papertrey Ink. That set is a MUST have! I used the same colors as the SU! papers. I used a frosted tin tie bag to put them in and then used the other flower from SU!'s True Friend stamp set to decorate the bag and used the Nesties. I put a pearl in the center of this flower.

The gifts are nothing special, but I hope they know how much I appreciated all that they did for me. I will hopefully have pictures from the shower to show you. There are some talented people in my ward and they made the cutest cake and diaper cake!

CRUISIN'

2008-09-02T10:30:00.008-06:00

My two boys, Parker and JD, are the only ones at home right now. We inherited this little jeep from Grandpa Grout and they can't get enough of it! Aren't they the cutest?

Fortunately for me they get along very well. Parker is 3 going on 14 and quite the little man. This jeep is perfect for him. He feels so grown up.

Today I needed them to take a stinky diaper to the garbage but it was at the top of our driveway because today is garbage day. So off they go in the jeep to deliver it!

LOCKS OF LOVE

2008-08-23T16:24:00.006-06:00

I am so proud of Emi. She has been growing out her hair to donate to Locks of Love, a charity group that makes wigs for people who have lost their hair due to cancer and other illness. She constantly asks me, "Is it long enough yet?" So today we went and got it cut!

I was a little worried that she might freak out after it was done when she realized it was really gone, but she was so happy. She LOVES it!

When her brother, Bryce, saw it for the first time, he said, "Wow, Emi! That looks GOOD! All the boys are going to like you at school." What a sweetie. :)

For anyone who is interested, check out http://www.locksoflove.org/ They have the guidelines and other information there. The address is :

Locks Of Love

2925 10th Avenue North, Suite 102

Lake Worth, FL 33461

DISPLAY BOARDS

2008-08-11T09:20:00.015-06:00

Click on any image to enlarge it. There was so much inspiration to be found. These are just a few of my favorites. I took tons more pictures......

This was an example of what you could do with the new sizzix dies that SU! carries. This isn't the finished project.

I loved the simplicity of the one layer with Lovely as a Tree and the shadowing in the background.

I focused in on the misty tree background. They added sparkle to make it look like it had just snowed. STUNNING!

Some awesome Artisan of the year award winner projects. I loved the shirt and the purse.

Some cute bags made with our 12x12 CS and using a cornflake box as a template. The giant cupcake is AWESOME! They took some white craft ink and added some reinkers to make it look like real frosting swirls. Too cute!

This one shows a vinyl bag made with the jumbo eyelets and interchangeable papers to coordinate throughout the seasons of the year. The onsie gift bag is so stinkin' cute and easy. Now why didn't I think of that?

Two more artisan projects. I LOVED these scrapbook pages. Actually, I would probably frame these. They are too gorgeous.

So hopefully these tickle your creative bone like they did mine!

SNEAK PEEK

2008-08-07T10:44:00.010-06:00

Here are the pictures of some of the new sets. These were the sets we got for attending Convention. The First picture, however, is my awesome new TOTE. Only people attending convention could purchase one. It holds TONS of stamping supplies and even 12x12 cardstock. LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IT!!!!!

This next picture, is a fun technique we learned for one of our make-n-takes. It is the new 1-1/4" grosgrain ribbon in Pink Pirouette (In Color) with linen thread sewn into one edge. Then you just pull the thread to make it round. We also applied crystal effects to the edge and sprinkled with chunky glitter. The center is a rub-on. Very cute.

This is my favorite set, Inspired By Nature. you can see how it is double mounted. It also comes with two phrases that are double mounted. So many possiblities with this set.

This set is called Eastern Blooms. I LOVE the branch in this set. Can you see the possibilites using the three for you flower punch from last year?

Here is the new butterfly set. I love the overlays that go with the bold butterfly image. Lots of fun techniques you can do with this. It is called Flight of the Butterfly.

This last set is one that was an extra bonus from UPS! We apparently give them a lot of business so for SU!'s 20th Anniversary they bought everyone at Convention this Ronald McDonald House Charity stamp set. $2 from every sale goes to the charity. This set coordiantes with the new scallop punch in the catalog! YAY!

Stay tuned for cards and projects from the display boards. AWESOME inspiration.

OTHER CONVENTION HIGHLIGHTS

2008-08-05T12:23:00.014-06:00

Here is a picture I took right before we left on vacation. A double rainbow! It was a good sign.
First we went to Idaho to pick up my parents. While we were there, we bought a couple of used mini four-wheelers. Then we went to Montana for a family reunion. After that we headed to Utah. Rob spent the time with his siblings and I went to Convention. I got to spend some time with them after I was done and of course, we played Pinochle!

This is me with my upline, Mary Buenger and her upline, Judy D. Her last name is too hard to spell and even harder to pronounce. :0) The next picture is a shot of a fraction of the people that were there.

These were our beautimous make-n-takes! The first one shows the set "Inspired By Nature" one of my favorites. It is double mounted. This also uses the In colors, Tangerine Tango and Kiwi Kiss.

This one shows the Eastern Blooms set. These make-n-takes don't show the full potential of this set. It is beautiful.

This is a card using a new butterfly set! We didn't use the butterfly in this project, though. I also showed some of the new accessories. The flower brads, the flower buttons, and the new flower fusion too in three new colors.

Here are some of my favorite projects using the new decor elements rub-ons. I am going to be making them for my house. FUN!

The awards night always has the best entertainment afterwards. This year it was an A Capella group named Tonic Sol-Fa. They were AWESOME! I loved the base singers deep voice. He is in the sun glasses. The lead singer looks like Jason Bateman, only with blond hair. The guy sitting next to him with the glasses on is hilarious! We bought their CDs and got autographs.

I have tons of other photos of projects that were displayed at convention, but I don't want this post to get too long. Convention is the highlight of my year! There are great classes, ideas and friends. It is very uplifting personally as well. Anyone interested in joining me next year?

CONVENTION ANNOUNCEMENTS

2008-08-05T11:32:00.009-06:00

Back from Convention and it was a BLAST! My feet were constantly swollen, but it was worth it. Several BIG announcements were made at convention. Click on any of the photos to enlarge.

1. Shelli Gardner is starting her very own blog. Go to www.soshelli.com to get the scoop!

2. Biggest news of all is that Stampin' Up! is partnering with SIZZIX and will be selling exclusive die-cuts that will coordinate with other Stampin' Up! products. You will even be able to cut your own vinyl shapes to make your own rub-ons. Here were some of the projects demonstratd by Shelli. The dies and the Big Shot machine will be sold in the next mini catalog!

3. Of course the Online Ordering will be available in the fall. A couple things about this. You will be able to shop using different categories ( Paper, accessories, and even by color).

4. The New Decor Elements will be rolling out Phase II. It will feature two and three steps rub-ons in different colors!

STAMPIN' UP! HAS BIG NEWS!!!!

2008-07-23T08:02:00.003-06:00

I am so excited that SU! finally got with the times! You will be able to place an order online either through my Demonstrator website or the SU! Website. If you order through my website you will pay lower shipping and be eligible for Hostess Rewards. This feature will be available in the FALL sometime.
I am headed off to Convention next week and will come back with tons of fun ideas from the new catalog that I will post on my website. http://www.kristinatolman.stampinup.net/ See you all in a week or so!

AND THE NAMES ARE......

2008-07-16T09:06:00.004-06:00

Ty Alexander and Isabella Rose! We are calling them Ty and Isi for short. So I had my ultrasound on Friday and the babies were so funny! They were playing with each other by kicking the wall that goes between them. Ty got tired of it after a while so he turned around. Isi is quite the mover. She moves during the day a lot and then Ty moves at night. That isn't a good sign, I think. That means Ty will be up at night more! Ty likes to suck his thumb and Isi likes to put her hands folded under her chin when she's resting. I am getting sooooo excited to hold them!!!!
BTW, their ultrasound looked great! Their hearts are perfect and there are no markers for Downs. Isi turned head down which is good, as long as she stays that way.

The Birds and The Bees

2008-06-23T09:13:00.003-06:00

So Jason has started his sex ed in school so we were sitting around talking about whether or not we should have "The Talk" with Bryce. We referred to it as "the birds and the bees". Bryce looks at us and says, "Bees? I don't want to talk about bees. I HATE Bees!" Rob and I looked at each other and said, "Yeah, he's not ready."
Then here was Rob trying to tell Jason about marriage. "Son, it's like you get to go to only one cafe for the rest of your life. If they're not serving dinner, you don't get dinner.....No matter how badly you want to go to the McDonalds across the street to get that Big Mac."
I bust out laughing! Nice....

THE VERDICT IS IN

2008-06-15T19:04:00.004-06:00

I had my ultrasound last week and they were able to tell me the gender of the babies. YAY! So here are some pictures to help. :)

They are each in their own sack and everything looks great so far. They are both measuring 17 weeks. Next ultrasound they will take a closer look at the hearts to make sure there are no defects. Now Rob and I have to come up with names. I already had them picked out but Rob wanted a say in the matter. :) So stay tuned for that!

MAY CARD SWAP

2008-05-22T10:50:00.010-06:00

I thought I would post a picture of my card for my May card swap. This one was a "Not Your typical Card" card. The first picture is of the card closed. After you pull up the card pops into a box. I put a strip of flowers on the front so that when it pops into a box the flowers stand up. This is a fun card for kids and very easy. I had to make 10 of them. The hardest part was cutting around the flowers, but it really only took me an hour to do all 10, from start to finish.

RESULTS OF BLOOD TEST

2008-05-16T17:20:00.004-06:00

So I called the doctor today because it has been two weeks since they took my blood and I was getting a little worried. He just called and told me that I have been exposed to Fifth Disease in the past so I am immune and I haven't been recently exposed. YAY! Everything looks great! That is a huge relief....Thanks to everyone for your prayers so far and keep praying for me!

I didn't mention......

2008-05-08T19:03:00.003-06:00

So I didn't mention that the reason I went to the doctor is because I have been exposed to Fifth Disease (you can google it). I had never heard of it, but someone sent an e-mail saying that her child had it and my kids had the symptoms. They also said that it is dangerous to pregnant women. They took some blood to see if I am immune to it, but I haven't heard anything yet! Don't you think they would get a rush on that or something? Anyway, I am just nervously awaiting the results......
While I am at it, does anyone have a good idea for a new license plate? Like 8WSENUF or 9ISBTTR......

PS Due date is October 27th...that is if I make it to full term for twins.

BIG NEWS!!!!!!!!

2008-05-03T14:18:00.003-06:00

So our license plate on our van says "8ISENUF". We are pregnant, but here is the kicker.....
WE ARE HAVING TWINS! CAN YOU BELIVE IT??????????
So I guess we are going to have to change our license plate. When the doctor told me, I thought he was joking. I guess I asked for it, though. I told God that this was it so if he had any more kids for me he better send them now and He obliged. I am so excited and nervous and scared and tired. I need everyone's prayers that I can carry them long enough that they will be healthy and that there will be no complications. I will post ultrasound pictures and update you on the sexes. I find out July 11. Off to take a nap.....

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY

2008-04-15T11:01:00.004-06:00

I am in a card swap club. This month we did Mother's Day cards. Here is the one I did. It seems like a lot of work, but it was therapeutic cutting out all the pieces. I love the Soft Sky color from Stampin' Up! I wish they were going to keep it!

A SAD DAY.....

2008-03-23T17:21:00.009-06:00

My baby, JD, is the only baby I have had that has curly hair! It is so adorable, but alas, he is a boy. Rob has been wanting to cut if for a while now, but I have put him off for as long as I could. So today, I finally bit the bullet and buzzed it. (sniff, sniff)
Here are the before and after pictures.

We are also having an ongoing debate as to whether his name is JD or Joshy. I am determined to win that war. :)

HAPPY EASTER!

PICTURES

2008-03-07T18:21:00.007-07:00

Okay, here are the before and after pictures. Can you tell a difference? I feel the same, but I hope I look different. This is me having lost 18 lbs so far. I hope to lose 5-10 more, but it is a start. ( I am wearing my skinny pants in this picture. :)

BRYCE'S BAPTISM

2008-03-03T11:24:00.003-07:00

Bryce got baptized March 1, 2008 which just happened to be his Birthday as well! He was really nervous about getting "dunked". I told him it would be very quick and at least the water was warm.

The Spirit was really strong during the meeting. The Bishop stood at the end to welcome him into the ward. He had tears in his eyes as he told Bryce that he was overcome with the love Heavenly Father feels for Bryce. I also had the image of Bryce fighting valiantly in the the pre-existence. What a special boy!

After the baptism and confirmation we spent the day celebrating his birthday. We went to Red Robin where they sang to Bryce, Parker and JD since they all have birthdays this week. They even got a free hot fudge Sunday. The other kids were more than happy to help the boys eat it. We also went to see 'The Spiderwick Chronicles". Then we went home and had pizza and played the new Wii game he got for his birthday. What a fun day!

SKINNY JEANS HERE I COME

2008-02-21T09:15:00.002-07:00

I am at the 16lb. mark and I fit into my SKINNY JEANS! WOOHOO! I have about 5-10 more lbs. to go before I am done, but I will post pictures. I just had to share. :)

BUNNIES

2008-02-17T15:01:00.008-07:00

We are starting to get countrified! (is that a word?) We inherited some bunny rabbits from some people who are moving from the neighborhood. They are so cute!!! Their little hearts were racing as they were mauled by my children. We hope these bunnies will satisfy my kid's need to have a pet. They have been begging for a dog. Parker is holding Cocoa. I am holding Midnight and praying he doesn't pee on me!

Need a Good Book to Read?

2008-02-07T11:31:00.001-07:00

I joined a book club almost a year ago that has really helped me to continue learning and growing. We each take turns picking books. Each member is so different in likes and personality and so are the books that are picked. I just thought I would share some of the books I have read because of it. All of them have been good and interesting. If you read one of the books off my list, let me know what you thought about it!

WEIGHT UPDATE

2008-01-28T13:52:00.000-07:00

I have hit the 10lb. mark!!! But, I am at a plateau now. I worked out for over an hour today to make up for the eclair cake I ate on the weekend....a moment of weakness.
It is nice to see the results, though. My jeans are baggy and I can wear my tight shirts without the muffin top. I can't wait to see the results when I lose the next 10lbs. You know those pair of pants you keep just in case you might fit in them someday? The "skinny jeans"? I can get them over my butt, but it is still a tight squeeze to button them up. For motivation, I picture a sumo every time I go to the fridge.

I WARNED YOU!

2008-01-13T20:10:00.000-07:00

Okay, here it is. I warned you. I do have good news to report, though. I started on January 2, 2008 at 165 and as of a couple days ago, I am at 158! WooHoo!

It is KILLING me, though. I am trying to eat about 1200 calories a day and I am alternating between aerobic excercise and toning. One day, I just got fed up and was so mad I started eating whatever I wanted!!!......I am better now. Before pictures are supposed to be horrible, right? Rob said it looked like a mug shot and he told me to suck in my belly.

Biggest Loser

2008-01-04T18:37:00.000-07:00

I have been inspired by the show "Biggest Loser" and so me and some of my friends are going to give it a try. I am going to post a picture of me before and after. It will be scary, for you, and embarassing, on my part, but maybe it will help me to get my butt in shape! I am tired of people saying, "You look great! .....for having 7 kids." So beware...I will be posting a picture soon.

Christmas Piano Recital

2007-12-20T08:58:00.001-07:00

I held my Christmas piano recital last weekend. Here is a picture of all my Wonderful students, plus Parker who wishes he was a student. I have so much fun teaching them!!!

It was nice to be able to hold it in my home. We have so much room in the front two rooms. I just can't wait until I get a baby grand....20 years from now.

Cedric Diggory???

2007-12-12T15:10:00.000-07:00

Okay, I am making a huge confession today. I am obsessed with the "Twilight" series by Stephenie Meyer. They are written for teenagers and yet, I LOVE them. I was so excited to hear that they are making a movie about the first book. What a daunting job of casting the part of Edward. That being said, I can't believe they chose the guy who played Cedric Diggory! I AM willing to give him a shot, but he just doesn't pop into my mind when I think Beautiful.....So what are your opinions?
I will always and forever picture Henry Cavill....(sigh).

First Post! Yipee!

2007-12-04T15:54:00.000-07:00

So here I am trying to enter the wonderful world of Blogging. I don't really have anything important or life-changing to say to anybody, but I thought, "Hey, if everyone else has a blog, why not me?" Yes, I am one of the crowd followers.

Here is the family picture for this year. We waited a little too long to take it this year. I think it turned out okay except for the blaring sun in our eyes. At least we were looking at the camera with a somewhat happy look on our faces. Can't really ask for more than that from 7 beautiful children! The geese were a nice touch, too.